I've not blogged for so long. I've spent my time in a waiting room...looking for the "Exit", not sure if He wants me to stay or go...and so I've just kept silent. Just sitting...sitting....waiting....waiting.........waiting..........where the door Lord? I figured out today that there is no reason for me to be silent. I don't really know where God is taking me, and that's okay. I've got to just trust Him, talk with Him and be as open to His will as I can possibly be. That's what I'm going to do...blogging along the way.
For so long I was sure that I was standing for my marriage...for the restoration of my marriage. Now I'm not sure what path I'm on, or where He wants me. My heart longs and has begged and pleaded for the Lord to show me what it is that He has for me, to give me a glimps into what He expects from me...what He and only He wants me to do. It doesn't matter what others want from me, and it doesn't matter what I want for myself. The only perfect path is the one that He has put me on. I stumble...oh boy do I ever stumble, and sometimes you'll find me sitting along side of that path kind of lost, doing who knows what.
So in answer to any question of what I'm doing...only God knows.
Does God know the end result to every situation? ~Yes!
Has He put me on this path to teach me things I should have already known? ~Probably
Does He know if Rick's heart is too hard for him to turn his life back over to Him? ~He knows
Has He changed His path for my life because of this? ~I don't know yet
Could He still restore? ~Oh yes!
Will He? ~Only He knows
Could He use what He's taught me over the last 6 years to bring glory to Himself in other ways besides restoring my marriage? ~I hope...this is my hope.
Does He know why He's led me down this path? ~Yes!
Has God released me from standing for restoration of my marriage? ~ I don't know
If He released me from this stand, would I still pray for Rick? ~Absolutly!
Do I want released? ~ Sometimes...but it's whatever the Lord wants....Why lie about it. I miss Rick but I also miss things like family, being a wife, having babies...using that to His glory.
Has He clearly told me what He wants me to do? ~I'm afraid not...but I'm waiting...waiting and praying. It's the only thing....the best thing I can do.
So if you think of me, pray with me that I will hear Him clearly and that I'll be brave enough either way, and have the courage to take the path that He provides and that I'll remember all that He's taught me through this journey.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Give Me....
I know I've been quiet for a while, not blogging and such. I've been in the midst of a struggle to hear the voice of God, and so I've just not been here. I want so much to obey His and only His voice, no matter what I or anyone else wants. It's hard sometimes to hear Him. I wish He would just slide in the seat beside me and have a little talk with me....tell me what He wants for my life...tell me the direction that my life is to go......Give Me A Revelation is my prayer and maybe today's verse on the side of my blog is His answer
"The LORD of hosts hath sworn, saying, Surely as I have thought, so shall it come to pass; and as I have purposed, so shall it stand."
Isaiah 14:24
....if you think of me, please pray with me that I will clearly hear Him and only Him no matter how loud my own voice of reason becomes.
Third Day~Give Me A Revelation
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way,
tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
"The LORD of hosts hath sworn, saying, Surely as I have thought, so shall it come to pass; and as I have purposed, so shall it stand."
Isaiah 14:24
....if you think of me, please pray with me that I will clearly hear Him and only Him no matter how loud my own voice of reason becomes.
Third Day~Give Me A Revelation
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way,
tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Jeremiah 33:3
"Call unto Me and I will answer thee and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not."
I can say that this is a verse that I can write in confidence, knowing word for word that I've quoted it right. I love this verse. He pleads with me to ask Him to show me things that only He knows, things for my life, answers....
Today I "Call unto", but I also cry out, plead, beg, ask,appeal to, beseech, entreat, implore, importune, invoke, petition, pray, supplicate, press, and require of Him, the "Great and Mighty Things" that I know not....on my knees, on my face, tears shedding to the ground begging Abba Father to answer me clearly and quickly.
I can say that this is a verse that I can write in confidence, knowing word for word that I've quoted it right. I love this verse. He pleads with me to ask Him to show me things that only He knows, things for my life, answers....
Today I "Call unto", but I also cry out, plead, beg, ask,appeal to, beseech, entreat, implore, importune, invoke, petition, pray, supplicate, press, and require of Him, the "Great and Mighty Things" that I know not....on my knees, on my face, tears shedding to the ground begging Abba Father to answer me clearly and quickly.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Zephaniah 3
I've been seeking the answer from God's word...the "Informed" faith answer that I need. I can open my Bible and see verse after verse that is marked with dates and notes with such answers that He's given me through the last six years. I don't know why I needed one more, but I did, after a good deal of prayer and crying to Him, He led me to Zephaniah 3, but especially the last part of it, 17-20
The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. I will gather them that are sorrowful for the solemn assembly, who are of thee, to whom the reproach of it was a burden. Behold, at that time I will undo all that afflict thee: and I will save her that halteth, and gather her that was driven out; and I will get them praise and fame in every land where they have been put to shame.
At that time will I bring you again, even in the time that I gather you: for I will make you a name and a praise among all people of the earth, when I turn back your captivity before your eyes, saith the LORD.
The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. I will gather them that are sorrowful for the solemn assembly, who are of thee, to whom the reproach of it was a burden. Behold, at that time I will undo all that afflict thee: and I will save her that halteth, and gather her that was driven out; and I will get them praise and fame in every land where they have been put to shame.
At that time will I bring you again, even in the time that I gather you: for I will make you a name and a praise among all people of the earth, when I turn back your captivity before your eyes, saith the LORD.
Behold at that time, I will undo all that afflict thee......nuff said.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Not Perfectly....
I wait, but not with a perfect faith. I don't think I'll ever have a perfect faith, but I'm so thankful that He tells me in Matthew 17:20 that if I have faith the size of a grain of mustard seed, I can move a mountain...that nothing will be impossible for me.
By the end of tonight's revival service, I was so exhausted from crying, but I had some answers that I'd been seeking...seeking and not really even knowing that I was looking. I know the Lord was pulling me to church tonight. I was exhausted, like many others, and I just wanted to get through it and go home. I just knew in my heart that there was nothing for me there tonight. I think I had come to the end of my rope, ready to jump into a mess...maybe....no.... not maybe...definitely ready to turn my back on what God wants from me in this whole journey that He has me on. I had already told Him that I was done, that I would not stand in the gap for Rick any longer, that I give up. I was talking to Him in my spirit while the scriptures were being read, telling Him, "See? This isn't anything for me. This isn't a message that is directed towards my problems. I quit, I can't do it and I won't give up my life any longer. " .......after all, there are no outward circumstances that prove that God is listening, right? Well, again.....I felt like Brother George and God had me pegged for a sermon, and I got it.
Mark 2: 1-5 says...
And again he entered into Capernaum after some days; and it was noised that he was in the house. And straightway many were gathered together, insomuch that there was no room to receive them, no, not so much as about the door: and he preached the word unto them. And they come unto him, bringing one sick of the palsy, which was borne of four. And when they could not come nigh unto him for the press, they uncovered the roof where he was: and when they had broken it up, they let down the bed wherein the sick of the palsy lay. When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee.
...and this is what I learned ~ Don't expect the heathen to have faith. God wants to see mine ~ Bro. George Griffis
The Lord used Bro. George to convict my heart on more than one occasion, but tonight it was more like a gentle wooing of a Father to a child to come back to where they belong. As the message on faith was laid out before me, I realized how weak my own is, and how it needs to be. I know that my faith needs to be....
1. "Informed" If God has given me a promise, ask Him to show me in His word the reassurance that I need to strengthen my faith, and to have an swift answer when someone asks where my faith in this situation comes from. ....after many tears and prayers mine is Zephaniah 3...the whole chapter spoke volumes to my heart.
2."Interceding" Bro. George speaking about his son said, he knew if he could only get him to Jesus, he'd be alright. I need to get Rick to Jesus...I need to be the one to do it. Rick's not going to take himself there. As his wife who loves him, I need to take him to Jesus every day in my prayers. If I can only keep him at the feet of Jesus...I need to have that kind of faith, to know that it's all he needs to bring him to his knees.
3. "Importune" I need to have faith enough to keep knocking, keep taking my petition before the Lord, trusting that He will do what He's promised. Just like the widow woman before the judge...just like the story Jesus taught the disciples when they asked Him to teach them to pray. Luke 11: 5-8 And he said unto them, Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves; For a friend of mine in his journey is come to me, and I have nothing to set before him? And he from within shall answer and say, Trouble me not: the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give thee. I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
4. "Impacting"....okay so by the time he got to this point, I was already crying and praying so hard in my own spirit, asking for forgivness and strength, that I didn't even hear this part. I would imagine an impacting faith would be one that didn't just sit on a shelf waiting for someone to ask about it. I would imagine it's a faith with "feet" that is put into action every day.
So there you have it. I am so glad I went. The Lord woke me up and gave me an extra measure of strength and energy to sit up and listen and take in what He had for me. I'm thankful for people like Pastor Ken and Brother George who listen to the Holy Spirit and speak about what the Lord wants them to speak about. If they didn't listen, we would never hear.
By the end of tonight's revival service, I was so exhausted from crying, but I had some answers that I'd been seeking...seeking and not really even knowing that I was looking. I know the Lord was pulling me to church tonight. I was exhausted, like many others, and I just wanted to get through it and go home. I just knew in my heart that there was nothing for me there tonight. I think I had come to the end of my rope, ready to jump into a mess...maybe....no.... not maybe...definitely ready to turn my back on what God wants from me in this whole journey that He has me on. I had already told Him that I was done, that I would not stand in the gap for Rick any longer, that I give up. I was talking to Him in my spirit while the scriptures were being read, telling Him, "See? This isn't anything for me. This isn't a message that is directed towards my problems. I quit, I can't do it and I won't give up my life any longer. " .......after all, there are no outward circumstances that prove that God is listening, right? Well, again.....I felt like Brother George and God had me pegged for a sermon, and I got it.
Mark 2: 1-5 says...
And again he entered into Capernaum after some days; and it was noised that he was in the house. And straightway many were gathered together, insomuch that there was no room to receive them, no, not so much as about the door: and he preached the word unto them. And they come unto him, bringing one sick of the palsy, which was borne of four. And when they could not come nigh unto him for the press, they uncovered the roof where he was: and when they had broken it up, they let down the bed wherein the sick of the palsy lay. When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee.
...and this is what I learned ~ Don't expect the heathen to have faith. God wants to see mine ~ Bro. George Griffis
The Lord used Bro. George to convict my heart on more than one occasion, but tonight it was more like a gentle wooing of a Father to a child to come back to where they belong. As the message on faith was laid out before me, I realized how weak my own is, and how it needs to be. I know that my faith needs to be....
1. "Informed" If God has given me a promise, ask Him to show me in His word the reassurance that I need to strengthen my faith, and to have an swift answer when someone asks where my faith in this situation comes from. ....after many tears and prayers mine is Zephaniah 3...the whole chapter spoke volumes to my heart.
2."Interceding" Bro. George speaking about his son said, he knew if he could only get him to Jesus, he'd be alright. I need to get Rick to Jesus...I need to be the one to do it. Rick's not going to take himself there. As his wife who loves him, I need to take him to Jesus every day in my prayers. If I can only keep him at the feet of Jesus...I need to have that kind of faith, to know that it's all he needs to bring him to his knees.
3. "Importune" I need to have faith enough to keep knocking, keep taking my petition before the Lord, trusting that He will do what He's promised. Just like the widow woman before the judge...just like the story Jesus taught the disciples when they asked Him to teach them to pray. Luke 11: 5-8 And he said unto them, Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves; For a friend of mine in his journey is come to me, and I have nothing to set before him? And he from within shall answer and say, Trouble me not: the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give thee. I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth. And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
4. "Impacting"....okay so by the time he got to this point, I was already crying and praying so hard in my own spirit, asking for forgivness and strength, that I didn't even hear this part. I would imagine an impacting faith would be one that didn't just sit on a shelf waiting for someone to ask about it. I would imagine it's a faith with "feet" that is put into action every day.
So there you have it. I am so glad I went. The Lord woke me up and gave me an extra measure of strength and energy to sit up and listen and take in what He had for me. I'm thankful for people like Pastor Ken and Brother George who listen to the Holy Spirit and speak about what the Lord wants them to speak about. If they didn't listen, we would never hear.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Not Sure What To Say...
I find myself stuck in an odd situation just in the last few days. Facebook~ It's wonderful, and I'm connecting with people that I've not seen in over 20 years. The more people I connect with, the more excited I get. There are people on there who were a big part of my childhood and such and it just feels good to get to see their pictures and catch up on where life has taken them. I however seem to have lost my tongue upon the same question...."How's Ricky?"
It's easy for someone who has never been through a divorce to just say, "Just tell them your divorced." It seems simple enough huh? But....I guess I am ashamed and sad...to sad to tell them, so I ignore the questions while I'm trying to think of how to word it. "How's Ricky?"....I dunno?.....fine?......gone?......great???
Divorce is not easy to me, and it continues to be a struggle every day. I don't look for it to be that way, but I see everyone else around me going on with life, having kids and having lots to tell each other. I have pictures of my dogs...of my cats and even of my bird. I feel like I have nothing to tell, and don't want to tell what I do have to tell. Make sense? Divorce doesn't happen with one person, rarely does it have to do with a one sided problem. I was guilty...much guilty. I will never look at it and say, it was all him....cause it was me too. Am I sorry? You betcha. I am more sorry for the way I handled situations that arose in our marriage, than I am for anything else in my life. Am I ashamed? Yes. Do I want to have to put a dark cloud over Rick by saying outloud what he did? Not in a million years. I've thought about just simply saying, "Please pray for him if he ever crosses your mind." Maybe that will work. I don't want to reap coals on his head, I want to pour out blessings....this is just such a hard road to travel. I often wonder why God can't just take His hand off this and let me be like everyone else....this is His plan, not mine...and I pray that the end is near....soon and very soon
Okay, so it was after I posted this that I looked at my page and read today's Bible verse. The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14
Isn't God amazing!!!
It's easy for someone who has never been through a divorce to just say, "Just tell them your divorced." It seems simple enough huh? But....I guess I am ashamed and sad...to sad to tell them, so I ignore the questions while I'm trying to think of how to word it. "How's Ricky?"....I dunno?.....fine?......gone?......great???
Divorce is not easy to me, and it continues to be a struggle every day. I don't look for it to be that way, but I see everyone else around me going on with life, having kids and having lots to tell each other. I have pictures of my dogs...of my cats and even of my bird. I feel like I have nothing to tell, and don't want to tell what I do have to tell. Make sense? Divorce doesn't happen with one person, rarely does it have to do with a one sided problem. I was guilty...much guilty. I will never look at it and say, it was all him....cause it was me too. Am I sorry? You betcha. I am more sorry for the way I handled situations that arose in our marriage, than I am for anything else in my life. Am I ashamed? Yes. Do I want to have to put a dark cloud over Rick by saying outloud what he did? Not in a million years. I've thought about just simply saying, "Please pray for him if he ever crosses your mind." Maybe that will work. I don't want to reap coals on his head, I want to pour out blessings....this is just such a hard road to travel. I often wonder why God can't just take His hand off this and let me be like everyone else....this is His plan, not mine...and I pray that the end is near....soon and very soon
Okay, so it was after I posted this that I looked at my page and read today's Bible verse. The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14
Isn't God amazing!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Gone...
Today was not a good day at all.
Last night a few people met at our church to watch the movie, Fireproof, which was really good, but very hard for me to watch. Marriage is hard...divorce is harder.
It was on the way home, that I remember looking at my wedding rings. The movie moved me to tears and prayers for Rick, that lasted all the way home.
It was this morning that I rested my cheek on the back of my hand and noticed that my ring was very sharp...because the diamond had fallen out at some point between me looking at it with tears in my eyes last night, and now. My heart is broken. It would be so, even if Rick were home, but it is intensified 100 times more because he's gone.
I have no hope of finding it.
Last night a few people met at our church to watch the movie, Fireproof, which was really good, but very hard for me to watch. Marriage is hard...divorce is harder.
It was on the way home, that I remember looking at my wedding rings. The movie moved me to tears and prayers for Rick, that lasted all the way home.
It was this morning that I rested my cheek on the back of my hand and noticed that my ring was very sharp...because the diamond had fallen out at some point between me looking at it with tears in my eyes last night, and now. My heart is broken. It would be so, even if Rick were home, but it is intensified 100 times more because he's gone.
I have no hope of finding it.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Love This New Song By Mercy Me..
"Then I gaze upon the throne of the King, frozen in my steps. And all the questions I swore that I would ask, words just won't come yet. So amazed at what I see, so much more than this old mind can hold....when I finally make it home."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Not A Day To Celebrate...
No, not a day to celebrate. This day marks the 5th year of the divorce that I fought so hard against. It still makes me sad, and I'm afraid my faith has been more than weak as of late. But still I know that God has supplied all my needs and He alone is faithful...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sissy....
The largest "fur" child in my house turns 1 today! She's been a real "treat" to train and we're not done yet, but I am so glad that I kept her. She is the embodiment of furry puppy love when she puts her head on my lap and looks at me with those tiny eyes that don't match the rest of her body. Tigger gets tired of her often, but she's been good for him also. She's company to him when I'm at work. That was the first and formost reason I kept her. Now it's just cause I lurve her!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Hand Of God...
The hand of God was on my house yesterday.
I arrived home late because of extra last minute duties at work. When I opened the back door of my house, the kitchen was dark, except for this exceptionally bright orange glow coming from the direction of the stove.
Yesterday morning, in a rush to get to work on time, I must have left the butter lay on a cookie sheet that was sitting on the stove top. My only guess was that in an attempt to get to the butter, my dog jumped up against the stove and turned the gas burner on. When I got home the house had no smoke in it, so I would guess that the butter on the cookie sheet had been cooking for quite some time. It had melted, boiled and turned into a solid...the knife that I had used to spread the butter, which was laying on the cookie sheet also.....burnt to nothing but ash. The cookie sheet...glowing orange.
My house is full of things, just like yours is, that mean so much to me. I know the Bible says not to lay up your treasures on earth, but to loose everything..every picture, every card and letter, every scrap of everything I own, my animals...my animals who would have burned to death or at the very hope they would have died first from smoke....everything but my car and the clothes on my back....it would have been just too much.
I know it happens every day, and I know I would have survived. I don't want to seem morbid thinking or talking about it. I've went on about it because by thinking of what could have happened, what could have been lost is the only way to see the just how good that God was to me today.
The Lord is awesome. I don't deserve His watchful eye and His protective hand, but He gives it anyway. I don't know why He kept my home from burning, but it pulls me into this love ever deeper. My heart is overwhelmed with love for my heavenly Father who loved me beyond measure today and every day.
I arrived home late because of extra last minute duties at work. When I opened the back door of my house, the kitchen was dark, except for this exceptionally bright orange glow coming from the direction of the stove.
Yesterday morning, in a rush to get to work on time, I must have left the butter lay on a cookie sheet that was sitting on the stove top. My only guess was that in an attempt to get to the butter, my dog jumped up against the stove and turned the gas burner on. When I got home the house had no smoke in it, so I would guess that the butter on the cookie sheet had been cooking for quite some time. It had melted, boiled and turned into a solid...the knife that I had used to spread the butter, which was laying on the cookie sheet also.....burnt to nothing but ash. The cookie sheet...glowing orange.
My house is full of things, just like yours is, that mean so much to me. I know the Bible says not to lay up your treasures on earth, but to loose everything..every picture, every card and letter, every scrap of everything I own, my animals...my animals who would have burned to death or at the very hope they would have died first from smoke....everything but my car and the clothes on my back....it would have been just too much.
I know it happens every day, and I know I would have survived. I don't want to seem morbid thinking or talking about it. I've went on about it because by thinking of what could have happened, what could have been lost is the only way to see the just how good that God was to me today.
The Lord is awesome. I don't deserve His watchful eye and His protective hand, but He gives it anyway. I don't know why He kept my home from burning, but it pulls me into this love ever deeper. My heart is overwhelmed with love for my heavenly Father who loved me beyond measure today and every day.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Goodbye To Our Commander and Chief...
A familiar face, a warm smile, a "real" man...not always perfect, but always real, a heart that loves the Lord, a man that spent time in prayer for his country, and was willing to stand for what is right.It doesn't seem that long ago when I was standing on a back street in Parkersburg, waiting for the motorcade to drive by. He was not 40 yards away, as we watched him go by, a group of maybe 8 of us. He turned and smiled as he waved.... He was close enough we could see his blue tie, and his smile, even through the tinted glass......
As I watch the weight of the country being lifted from his shoulders..my prayers are lifted up for what is left to come. Change isn't always good, but God is always perfect and He's always in control. So.... goodbye to our beloved President Bush, you've served us with all your heart, and won the hearts of many with your morals, your prayers and your stand for what is right. Thank you for the past eight years...thank you...we will miss you.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I Am So Angry!!!...........
It turns out that I am a victim of one of the largest credit/debit card security breaches ever to be reported in history. http://www.abcnews.go.com/Business/PersonalFinance/story?id=6695611&page=1 My card was re-made and then sold....then used three times yesterday in California!! I'm as angry as I can get!!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Totally Away...
I've seemed to get totally away from blogging in the past few weeks...or is it a month or more? I don't really know why, so it would be impossible to explain, since it's impossible for me to form into words. I've had thoughts and what-not that crossed my mind for a moment, and I thought maybe I'd blog about them..and then I don't. It seems that relationships escape me for the time being, and I don't have much to "put out there". I know that doesn't make much sense, but like I said there are no words to explain....not any that I feel like putting down.
Before I started blogging, I kept a journal. Those journals were not written like a "Dear Diary" type deal, but instead they were written to the unseen by human eye, God. Kind of like writing God a letter, only with no need of a stamp. Now I find that I have several of these journals on a shelf, but they ended when Blogger became a focus.
So now as I re shift my focus back on time with God and time writing to Him, it seems my Blog is going to suffer. I don't know how to keep both relationships going at once and so I don't know how long this blog will survive. I have to focus on the "more important part".
I'll try to maintain both, but....we will see how it goes.
Before I started blogging, I kept a journal. Those journals were not written like a "Dear Diary" type deal, but instead they were written to the unseen by human eye, God. Kind of like writing God a letter, only with no need of a stamp. Now I find that I have several of these journals on a shelf, but they ended when Blogger became a focus.
So now as I re shift my focus back on time with God and time writing to Him, it seems my Blog is going to suffer. I don't know how to keep both relationships going at once and so I don't know how long this blog will survive. I have to focus on the "more important part".
I'll try to maintain both, but....we will see how it goes.
Friday, December 12, 2008
My Favorite...Joseph's Lulluby
Go to sleep, my son
This manger for your bed
You have a long road before you
Rest your little head
Can you feel the weight of your glory
Do you understand the price
Or does the Father guard your heart for now
So you can sleep tonight
Go to sleep, my son
Go and chase your dreams
This world can wait for one more moment
Go and sleep in peace
I believe the glory of Heaven
Is lying in my arms tonight
Lord, I ask that He for just this moment
Simply be my child
Baby, close your eyes
Soon enough you'll save the day
But for now, dear child of mine
Oh my Jesus, sleep tight
Baby, close your eyes
Soon enough you'll save the day
But for now, dear child of mine
Oh my Jesus, sleep tight
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Watching The Past...
I went to my brother's house this evening, to pick up some left overs from my parents move into a new house. While I was there, my sister in law pulled out some old video tapes of my nephews that she wanted me to see. You forget how little they were until you look back. Then out came the vacation video. Thinking that it was one of the last ones that we took, she put it in the player only to discover that it was actually a video from our 2001 beach vacation. There were my two little step daughters with their gorgeous red hair, little girl chubby cheeks and legs, laughing and playing in the waves. I watched and cried until I was sure my heart couldn't take one more second...then there was Rick...and my breath was taken away. My heart, my heart....
Monday, December 01, 2008
Reminders To Myself...
Of course I would never force anyone to read this blog, and so I give you a warning now before you read this post....this post will probably make no sense to anyone at all....and it's very long. The following articles are a few things that I want to put down as a reminder to myself. I would write them down, but having carpel tunnel in both hands, It's easier just to type it out. Feel free to read it, maybe there will be something there you needed to hear...a verse or a devotion.
I've struggled the last couple of days, and have really poured my heart out to the Lord in search of answers. This devotion was sent to me on Sunday. It was such a blessing since I had felt weak all day long, praying for answers. This devotional reminded me to pray to the Lord and ask Him to speak to my heart clearly so I could tell it was Him. It reminded me to not be afraid to tell Him that I needed to be able to HEAR His voice, or else I wouldn't know which way to go.Then by mistake this devotion was pasted, copied and sent to me again today (cause I think I really needed it again this morning) as Today's Daily Devotional.
The Voice of The Lord -
"The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.' "So Samuel went and lay down in his place. The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening." I Samuel 3:8-10
Are you hearing the voice of the Lord as He speaks to you? Are you listening for the voice of the Lord? Are you being obedient to the voice of the Lord? He will have directions for you regarding your marriage, if you will only be still and listen. I believe that if you have found "Charlyne Cares" or our Web site, your Lord is already speaking hope and directions for you and your marriage.
"Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." Psalm 119:33-37
Our heart's desire this weekend is that every stander will go and worship our Lord. Our prayer is that you will worship and praise our Lord for His greatness. Bob and I know that you may be facing some very difficult circumstances that may seem impossible, but your Lord is right there with you. Listen for His voice of love and mercy with wisdom and mighty power. Learn to know His awesome love for you and your marriage. Let Him give you words of directions, instructions and strategy.
"The voice of the LORD is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the LORD thunders over the mighty waters. The voice of the LORD is powerful; the voice of the LORD is majestic. The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars; the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon." Psalm 29:3-5
Have you heard Him speak to your heart? I know that you may not even know or recognize your Lord God speaking to you, as I did not know so many years ago. I was in desperate circumstances, as you may be, and I cried out, pleading with my Lord to write His will and His instructions for my life and marriage on the wall for me to see.
That is when the Lord started to speak to me as I read the Bible. Scriptures would leap off the page as I was reading them and they were the answer to my questions that I had previously cried out to Him in prayer. God does speak to His children!
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27
Today as you go to church, worship and praise your Lord's holy Name, asking Him to speak to your heart. Listen to His voice and then choose to follow Him only. This weekend make time to be with your Lord alone, seeking His face, listening to His voice as you read His Word. Then be obedient to His voice by following His instructions. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart ever so loudly to you that you know that you know for certain that it is the voice of the Lord. Remember, the Lord speaks instructions that are not contrary to the Word of God. The enemy in contrast speaks lies, condemnation, and destruction.
You are choosing to stand for the sanctity of marriage. You are not looking for a way out of your marriage, nor how long you must wait for the restoration. You married your spouse for life. Don't look for an escape clause, but seek your Lord for His divine intervention in rebuilding and healing your marriage regarding any and all of your issues.
You and your spouse both need a heart transformation. I believe that the Lord is wanting to work on your heart right now. You may have been standing for a period of time and you already know that the Lord has been changing you to be a different man or woman of God and you, in turn, will also be a different husband or wife.
What is the Lord doing in your life? What has the Lord been saying to you? What has the Lord spoken to you through His Word?" I ask these questions regularly at our Monday night Bible study. We then will hear of testimony after testimony how the Lord has been directing people to come to know our Lord Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord of their lives as their marriage fell apart.
One evening, after several standers had shared, Bob commented to me on how proud he was of the standers who have chosen to follow their Lord Jesus Christ on the narrow road of maturity, picking up their cross to die to their own desires, but standing up for the sanctity of their marriage, through surrendering their life to their Lord.
Has the Lord been telling you to do something and you are disobeying Him for the fear of the consequences or the narrow road that it will put you on? Is the Lord convicting you of sinful areas in your life that need to be changed? When the Lord speaks to us, remember that our Lord God is speaking to us as if we were in the Holy of Holies.
As you pray and obey the Lord's voice every day of your life, pray earnestly, fervently, that every prodigal spouse, teenager, young adult or loved ones, will hear and obey the Lord's voice--now! There is no guarantee of life tomorrow for any of us. Every day is a gift from God. May you and I live every day to the fullest obeying and sharing the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ who restores and rebuild marriages every day. Pray that you and your spouse will not harden your hearts even more, but obey our Lord's voice.
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah, as you did that day at Massah in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me, though they had seen what I did. For forty years I was angry with that generation; I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray, and they have not known my ways." So I declared on oath in my anger, "They shall never enter my rest." Psalm 95:7-11
Your Lord wants to give you a new promised land of a restored marriage. Listen to His voice. Be obedient to His will and His way in your life. You need to be careful that you do not harden your heart due to your circumstances. You need to resist the temptations of believing your marriage problems are impossible to be fixed by your Lord God. Do not allow fear, rejection, and unbelief steal your faith and power in your awesome God. Listen to His voice and you will be blessed abundantly if you surrender your marriage to your Lord.
"This is what the LORD says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded," declares the LORD. "They will return from the land of the enemy.'" Jeremiah 31:16-
Second, I went to www.followingthestar.org and did the first devotional for the beginning of Advent. I lit my first advent candle and as I went through this devotional, I cried, I prayed, I cried some more. The following is the devotional for yesterday.
Presence Of God~
Hope. It is one of the things that people of faith do best. In the middle of winter, in the darkest of nights, the coldest of days, we hope still. We hope because we know God's story, one that finds its central event in the birth of a child. As a person of faith, in these next quiet moments, watch with expectation for the hope that is within you. Be still and know that God is at work in your world.
Word Of God~ Isaiah 64:1-4 Oh that thou wouldest rend the heavens, that thou wouldest come down, that the mountains might flow down at thy presence, As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence! When thou didst terrible things which we looked not for, thou camest down, the mountains flowed down at thy presence. For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him.
Devotion~Waiting for my turn at the checkout counter, I grew increasingly impatient. The clerk and the senior gentleman in front of me appeared to be old friends, enjoying a chance to catch up. Great for them, but the rest of us, I was sure, had more important things to do than to wait for them to finish their conversation. Waiting is not easy or something most of us want to do. Yet we find ourselves waiting in line in stores or movie theaters, waiting in traffic, waiting for someone who is significantly late. A good friend of mine says that our difficulty with waiting is why multi-tasking was invented.As people of faith, we know that waiting is central to our journey with God. Throughout history, the faithful have had to patiently wait for the One whose sense of time is not the same as ours. Amidst our waiting, whether patiently or impatiently, we hear the reassuring words of hope from the prophet Isaiah that God works for those who wait.
Conversation With God~God of faith, hope and love, fill me with your Spirit of patience. I am waiting patiently for you today. Amen.
Benediction~
Come, thou long-expected Jesus, born to set thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us, let us find our rest in thee.
Israel's strength and consolation, hope of all the earth thou art;
Dear desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart.
Charles Wesley
Isaiah 64:4 is marked in my Bible and has been for some time. It's a verse that the Lord brought to my attention a long time ago, and today it was brought back to my attention as a reminder that He's still the same God that He's always been, and that He has prepared great things for me if I just hold fast and continue to wait. I cried some more reading this. By now, it's a little revival in my house with prayer and thanksgiving, tears and requests being laid at His feet.
So that brings me up to today. My favorite story and the one that is most personal to my heart, the story of Lazarus. Long ago, the Lord showed me the parallel between this story and my own. Dead, stinking Lazarus....I say, what glory could the Lord have received if Lazarus was only sick. People could have said it was just a coincidence that he become well when Jesus arrived, that it wasn't Jesus at all. But no, the Lord allowed him to die and to lay there for four days. There was no doubt when Lazarus come forth that it was the power of our living God who breathed new life into him! This story gets me so excited!! The Lord showed me a long time ago, that just like Lazarus, Rick and I's marriage is dead and stinking as if it never existed. There are doubters just like Martha telling Jesus that Lazarus stunk by now. But these words that He spoke to her, are the same words that He's spoke to my heart through His word.
The story of this dead man brought back to life has become my testimony. He's reminded me over and over, and once again today, that if I wouldest believe, I shouldest see the glory of God!! By my marriage being stinking and dead in the eyes of man, it will also be a testimony of His awesome mighty power when it's restored. There will be no doubt in anyone's mind that it was anything short of God's power. I've not reached the end but I will someday and the Lord will be glorified as much today as He was when He brought forth Lazarus.
God is awesome and I thank Him for using all of this to pick me back up again.
I've struggled the last couple of days, and have really poured my heart out to the Lord in search of answers. This devotion was sent to me on Sunday. It was such a blessing since I had felt weak all day long, praying for answers. This devotional reminded me to pray to the Lord and ask Him to speak to my heart clearly so I could tell it was Him. It reminded me to not be afraid to tell Him that I needed to be able to HEAR His voice, or else I wouldn't know which way to go.Then by mistake this devotion was pasted, copied and sent to me again today (cause I think I really needed it again this morning) as Today's Daily Devotional.
The Voice of The Lord -
"The LORD called Samuel a third time, and Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, "Here I am; you called me." Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.' "So Samuel went and lay down in his place. The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening." I Samuel 3:8-10
Are you hearing the voice of the Lord as He speaks to you? Are you listening for the voice of the Lord? Are you being obedient to the voice of the Lord? He will have directions for you regarding your marriage, if you will only be still and listen. I believe that if you have found "Charlyne Cares" or our Web site, your Lord is already speaking hope and directions for you and your marriage.
"Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word." Psalm 119:33-37
Our heart's desire this weekend is that every stander will go and worship our Lord. Our prayer is that you will worship and praise our Lord for His greatness. Bob and I know that you may be facing some very difficult circumstances that may seem impossible, but your Lord is right there with you. Listen for His voice of love and mercy with wisdom and mighty power. Learn to know His awesome love for you and your marriage. Let Him give you words of directions, instructions and strategy.
"The voice of the LORD is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the LORD thunders over the mighty waters. The voice of the LORD is powerful; the voice of the LORD is majestic. The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars; the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon." Psalm 29:3-5
Have you heard Him speak to your heart? I know that you may not even know or recognize your Lord God speaking to you, as I did not know so many years ago. I was in desperate circumstances, as you may be, and I cried out, pleading with my Lord to write His will and His instructions for my life and marriage on the wall for me to see.
That is when the Lord started to speak to me as I read the Bible. Scriptures would leap off the page as I was reading them and they were the answer to my questions that I had previously cried out to Him in prayer. God does speak to His children!
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27
Today as you go to church, worship and praise your Lord's holy Name, asking Him to speak to your heart. Listen to His voice and then choose to follow Him only. This weekend make time to be with your Lord alone, seeking His face, listening to His voice as you read His Word. Then be obedient to His voice by following His instructions. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart ever so loudly to you that you know that you know for certain that it is the voice of the Lord. Remember, the Lord speaks instructions that are not contrary to the Word of God. The enemy in contrast speaks lies, condemnation, and destruction.
You are choosing to stand for the sanctity of marriage. You are not looking for a way out of your marriage, nor how long you must wait for the restoration. You married your spouse for life. Don't look for an escape clause, but seek your Lord for His divine intervention in rebuilding and healing your marriage regarding any and all of your issues.
You and your spouse both need a heart transformation. I believe that the Lord is wanting to work on your heart right now. You may have been standing for a period of time and you already know that the Lord has been changing you to be a different man or woman of God and you, in turn, will also be a different husband or wife.
What is the Lord doing in your life? What has the Lord been saying to you? What has the Lord spoken to you through His Word?" I ask these questions regularly at our Monday night Bible study. We then will hear of testimony after testimony how the Lord has been directing people to come to know our Lord Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord of their lives as their marriage fell apart.
One evening, after several standers had shared, Bob commented to me on how proud he was of the standers who have chosen to follow their Lord Jesus Christ on the narrow road of maturity, picking up their cross to die to their own desires, but standing up for the sanctity of their marriage, through surrendering their life to their Lord.
Has the Lord been telling you to do something and you are disobeying Him for the fear of the consequences or the narrow road that it will put you on? Is the Lord convicting you of sinful areas in your life that need to be changed? When the Lord speaks to us, remember that our Lord God is speaking to us as if we were in the Holy of Holies.
As you pray and obey the Lord's voice every day of your life, pray earnestly, fervently, that every prodigal spouse, teenager, young adult or loved ones, will hear and obey the Lord's voice--now! There is no guarantee of life tomorrow for any of us. Every day is a gift from God. May you and I live every day to the fullest obeying and sharing the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ who restores and rebuild marriages every day. Pray that you and your spouse will not harden your hearts even more, but obey our Lord's voice.
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah, as you did that day at Massah in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me, though they had seen what I did. For forty years I was angry with that generation; I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray, and they have not known my ways." So I declared on oath in my anger, "They shall never enter my rest." Psalm 95:7-11
Your Lord wants to give you a new promised land of a restored marriage. Listen to His voice. Be obedient to His will and His way in your life. You need to be careful that you do not harden your heart due to your circumstances. You need to resist the temptations of believing your marriage problems are impossible to be fixed by your Lord God. Do not allow fear, rejection, and unbelief steal your faith and power in your awesome God. Listen to His voice and you will be blessed abundantly if you surrender your marriage to your Lord.
"This is what the LORD says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded," declares the LORD. "They will return from the land of the enemy.'" Jeremiah 31:16-
Second, I went to www.followingthestar.org and did the first devotional for the beginning of Advent. I lit my first advent candle and as I went through this devotional, I cried, I prayed, I cried some more. The following is the devotional for yesterday.
Presence Of God~
Hope. It is one of the things that people of faith do best. In the middle of winter, in the darkest of nights, the coldest of days, we hope still. We hope because we know God's story, one that finds its central event in the birth of a child. As a person of faith, in these next quiet moments, watch with expectation for the hope that is within you. Be still and know that God is at work in your world.
Word Of God~ Isaiah 64:1-4 Oh that thou wouldest rend the heavens, that thou wouldest come down, that the mountains might flow down at thy presence, As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence! When thou didst terrible things which we looked not for, thou camest down, the mountains flowed down at thy presence. For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him.
Devotion~Waiting for my turn at the checkout counter, I grew increasingly impatient. The clerk and the senior gentleman in front of me appeared to be old friends, enjoying a chance to catch up. Great for them, but the rest of us, I was sure, had more important things to do than to wait for them to finish their conversation. Waiting is not easy or something most of us want to do. Yet we find ourselves waiting in line in stores or movie theaters, waiting in traffic, waiting for someone who is significantly late. A good friend of mine says that our difficulty with waiting is why multi-tasking was invented.As people of faith, we know that waiting is central to our journey with God. Throughout history, the faithful have had to patiently wait for the One whose sense of time is not the same as ours. Amidst our waiting, whether patiently or impatiently, we hear the reassuring words of hope from the prophet Isaiah that God works for those who wait.
Conversation With God~God of faith, hope and love, fill me with your Spirit of patience. I am waiting patiently for you today. Amen.
Benediction~
Come, thou long-expected Jesus, born to set thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us, let us find our rest in thee.
Israel's strength and consolation, hope of all the earth thou art;
Dear desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart.
Charles Wesley
Isaiah 64:4 is marked in my Bible and has been for some time. It's a verse that the Lord brought to my attention a long time ago, and today it was brought back to my attention as a reminder that He's still the same God that He's always been, and that He has prepared great things for me if I just hold fast and continue to wait. I cried some more reading this. By now, it's a little revival in my house with prayer and thanksgiving, tears and requests being laid at His feet.
So that brings me up to today. My favorite story and the one that is most personal to my heart, the story of Lazarus. Long ago, the Lord showed me the parallel between this story and my own. Dead, stinking Lazarus....I say, what glory could the Lord have received if Lazarus was only sick. People could have said it was just a coincidence that he become well when Jesus arrived, that it wasn't Jesus at all. But no, the Lord allowed him to die and to lay there for four days. There was no doubt when Lazarus come forth that it was the power of our living God who breathed new life into him! This story gets me so excited!! The Lord showed me a long time ago, that just like Lazarus, Rick and I's marriage is dead and stinking as if it never existed. There are doubters just like Martha telling Jesus that Lazarus stunk by now. But these words that He spoke to her, are the same words that He's spoke to my heart through His word.
"Jesus saith unto her, Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?" John 11:40
The story of this dead man brought back to life has become my testimony. He's reminded me over and over, and once again today, that if I wouldest believe, I shouldest see the glory of God!! By my marriage being stinking and dead in the eyes of man, it will also be a testimony of His awesome mighty power when it's restored. There will be no doubt in anyone's mind that it was anything short of God's power. I've not reached the end but I will someday and the Lord will be glorified as much today as He was when He brought forth Lazarus.
God is awesome and I thank Him for using all of this to pick me back up again.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Food and Evidence Of Growth?....
First off I wanna say that I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving. I have to say, I had a really nice one with my family. We ate late in the evening because Billy (my brother) had to work until 5:30....which leads me to a totally different subject. Excuse me while I wander away from the path, but as I crossed the toll bridge today, I couldn't help but wonder why they couldn't give some of our senior citizens that take the tolls, the day off and let us cross for free!? Anyhow, we ate late. And mom fixed the best turkey I've had in a long long time. It was so juicy that it was falling off the leg bones, and the ham ~ was just as equally yummy to the turkey. After that, we just kinda sat around and watched the kids play, which is fun because they are wild little beasts and say and do the funniest things. So we had a wonderful evening.
As for the "evidence of growth" I talked about in my subject line. When Rick first left, I had asked if I could still see the girls. Of course his answer was no...what did I really expect? So I waited for a few months then I asked the girls' mom. When she asked Rick, the answer was still, "NO". I remember crying, crying and more crying. I questioned God, I questioned Rick, I questioned and cried to anyone who would listen. I was a mess. I trusted no one, including the Lord Himself. All I could see is my heart was breaking so hard that I felt as though it should be bleeding. I missed the girls and I wanted what I wanted...and I wanted it now.
Round 2 was a few weeks ago. I asked the same questions and got the same answers, Rikc would need to be asked" but with different results. This time there were no tears of anger, no hurt feelings, no fits thrown, no questions asked of anyone...only faith. I gave it to the Lord when I wrote and mailed the letter to my friend. I trust her faith in the Lord enough to know that she did pray about it, but due to certain other circumstances, I did not want Rick asked again. I left the conversation with total understanding as to why she felt she needed to ask Rick's permission, after all he IS their father. I was proud and very thankful to her for still seeing Rick this way, as their father and authority figure. It shows a great deal of respect for him, and I believe now, unlike I did then, that it is what the Lord would want her to do. Still, I just don't want him asked right now. I just want to let God work, and in His time, He will restore. Until then, I have the peace that the Lord has given the girls a God fearing, God loving mother, who is doing her best to be an example and "train up (her children), in the way they should go".
So, no tears, no fit, no anger?? Could this be a small evidence of growth? I still miss the girls...miss them enough to cry over their pictures as much now as I did then. I still love them, more so now than I ever did then. So it's not that I've just tired of waiting...you don't tire of waiting for children's love. I just think that somehow through all this "stuff" the Lord has finally gotten through my thick skull, and now I know the title of my blog is true. I'm just in His Waiting Room, and when it's my time for a miracle, He'll provide the circumstances, clear the path, soften the hearts, and open the eyes of the one who needs to be lead home. This is what I'm most thankful for this year...Faith in Him, beyond the pity fits and tears....finally.
As for the "evidence of growth" I talked about in my subject line. When Rick first left, I had asked if I could still see the girls. Of course his answer was no...what did I really expect? So I waited for a few months then I asked the girls' mom. When she asked Rick, the answer was still, "NO". I remember crying, crying and more crying. I questioned God, I questioned Rick, I questioned and cried to anyone who would listen. I was a mess. I trusted no one, including the Lord Himself. All I could see is my heart was breaking so hard that I felt as though it should be bleeding. I missed the girls and I wanted what I wanted...and I wanted it now.
Round 2 was a few weeks ago. I asked the same questions and got the same answers, Rikc would need to be asked" but with different results. This time there were no tears of anger, no hurt feelings, no fits thrown, no questions asked of anyone...only faith. I gave it to the Lord when I wrote and mailed the letter to my friend. I trust her faith in the Lord enough to know that she did pray about it, but due to certain other circumstances, I did not want Rick asked again. I left the conversation with total understanding as to why she felt she needed to ask Rick's permission, after all he IS their father. I was proud and very thankful to her for still seeing Rick this way, as their father and authority figure. It shows a great deal of respect for him, and I believe now, unlike I did then, that it is what the Lord would want her to do. Still, I just don't want him asked right now. I just want to let God work, and in His time, He will restore. Until then, I have the peace that the Lord has given the girls a God fearing, God loving mother, who is doing her best to be an example and "train up (her children), in the way they should go".
So, no tears, no fit, no anger?? Could this be a small evidence of growth? I still miss the girls...miss them enough to cry over their pictures as much now as I did then. I still love them, more so now than I ever did then. So it's not that I've just tired of waiting...you don't tire of waiting for children's love. I just think that somehow through all this "stuff" the Lord has finally gotten through my thick skull, and now I know the title of my blog is true. I'm just in His Waiting Room, and when it's my time for a miracle, He'll provide the circumstances, clear the path, soften the hearts, and open the eyes of the one who needs to be lead home. This is what I'm most thankful for this year...Faith in Him, beyond the pity fits and tears....finally.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Childhood...
It's cold today, and it's trying it's best to snow. Actually it has snowed a little bit~the kinds of flakes I like~ the big fluffy ones. Of course it's gone now. The air is still not cold enough to let those beauties stick, but it was pretty looking at them while they lasted. I know I've said it before, but as a kid, we had so much fun in the snow. We had fun all year long, come to think of it. That's because back then we had neighborhoods that we lived in, instead of just houses. Where I grew up, everyone knew everyone...the whole street, not just the person next door. All my friends lived either on our street or one of the next streets over. Now it seems like you're lucky if you can find a neighborhood with kids in it, and no one wants to get to know anyone else. "Just keep out of my business" that seems to be the attitudes of neighbors now.
I don't know what happened between the time I was a child, and now. All I know is that I have to wonder if my children will ever experience daily time with nearby friends. skating in the street, riding bikes with groups of 5 and 6 friends all around the block, playing hide and go seek all over the whole street (or in a cemetary...maybe that's just too creepy, but we did it and it was fun), making mud pies and getting in trouble for using the pool water, pool parties next door, tromping through the woods, trick or treating with big groups of friends that live in the same neighborhood, slumber parties one street over, the simple joy of just being able to walk to a friends house knock on the door and say, "Can *** come out to play". and one of my absolute favorites....having a whole street closed down while all the neighborhood kids rode sleighs in the dark ~and of course having hot coco waiting on us at the bottom of the hill.
Besides teaching us about Christ and salvation and all that goes with it, our neighborhood was one of the absolute best things our parents gave to us as kids, and I'm so thankful for it.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
More Manna, More Manna...
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
This is the verse of the day, and it seems to be my constant prayer as of late. I feel like I'm constantly messing up. I get upset and worried at work, instead of trusting Him to take care of my job status. I get mad at the dog and say things I shouldn't. Yes the dog, when she chews things like my parents carpet!! I just feel like it's a constant battle to stay where I should be, and yet I know I can't be perfect ever. We were reminded as children that, "Jesus is the only one that is perfect" and that is so true. I however, am supposed to strive to be more like Jesus, and I know I do a bad job at this. I know I need to do much better, and I know I'm glad today that, whoever generates the daily verses, has picked this one. It's a reminder to me that even those in the Bible,even those who lived next to Jesus, struggled and had to ask for forgivness and strength to be better. It's good enough to bare repeating...
"Search me oh God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
This is the verse of the day, and it seems to be my constant prayer as of late. I feel like I'm constantly messing up. I get upset and worried at work, instead of trusting Him to take care of my job status. I get mad at the dog and say things I shouldn't. Yes the dog, when she chews things like my parents carpet!! I just feel like it's a constant battle to stay where I should be, and yet I know I can't be perfect ever. We were reminded as children that, "Jesus is the only one that is perfect" and that is so true. I however, am supposed to strive to be more like Jesus, and I know I do a bad job at this. I know I need to do much better, and I know I'm glad today that, whoever generates the daily verses, has picked this one. It's a reminder to me that even those in the Bible,even those who lived next to Jesus, struggled and had to ask for forgivness and strength to be better. It's good enough to bare repeating...
"Search me oh God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Friday, November 07, 2008
Just Wanted To Share This With You Too...
I shared this with a friend today, after saying yesterday that sometimes I don't understand just how much God loves me. As I typed this letter to her, and recalled these two times in my life, I've felt once again the love of God wrapped around me. So I wanted to share it on this blog too. I don't know, maybe there's someone that needs to kneel down in a special closet and concentrate on the Love of the Lord. I don't know why, I just feel like I need to share it. I hope Tessa doesn't mind, here we go....
Dear Tessa,
The Lord brings to my mind a time that I felt how much He loves me and I wanted to share it with you. It's not that I don't think He loves me, I just forget how much sometimes.
There have been two situations when I've done this. The first one was about a week after Rick had been gone, and I couldn't find him. The second time was a few weeks ago, during ladies fellowship, while we were waiting on the ladies to get back from the funeral home. A group had gone to the viewing of Rick's brother in law. I know I told you that much. What I didn't tell you is what I did while they were gone.
My heart was too overwhelmed to try to have the meeting, and we had told them that we would wait and start when they come back. I told the ladies that were still there to go ahead and have their snack, and I left the room. My heart was just too heavy and way to overwhelmed at the thought that soon there would be a room full of ladies that had just got back from seeing Rick. I couldn't breath or think, so I headed for the dimly lit sanctuary.
I approached the alter in the same place that I had almost 6 years ago, when my heart was desperately pleading for the Lord to direct Rick to come home (and he did that night too, but for just one night).
So there I was that night, ladies down the hall waiting on things to start, and me standing at the alter. I knelt down and that's where I found God waiting. At the side of the church that you all sit on, in the corner closest to the pulpit...that's where He was waiting on me. Both times I've been to that spot, I've just sat on the floor of the alter with my head buried in His lap, or so it felt....or so it is.
Both times were amazing Tessa. I stated my case through tears and sobs, but He didn't mind. It felt as though I were a child, and my Father waited patiently, stroking my head as I cried in His lap. When I was all done, silence fell over the auditorium and I just sat there with head and arms flung upon the alter, sometimes wrapped around it, but always like a child....still in His lap. That's when I've felt the love of God the strongest in my life, ever. That's when I felt His still strength as He held me there...held me in his lap. It's a place that I dare not go while the room is full. I don't think people would understand and that spot is for my time with the Lord alone. I wish I had the time to go there every day. I know the Lord meets us where we are, but there's something about that corner of the alter, and that dimly lit room....
Well there you go, there you have it, the great love of the Lord. I've felt it. I just wish I could feel it always, understand it always and take it with me always. I need to grow close enough to Him that I do just that. It's not Him that pulls away, it's me. I hate that part of being human. To pull away from that love that I feel in the corner of the alter is utterly useless to do. It doesn't benefit me to pull away, and I wish I could stop. Satan is behind this, I know that's true. I think as long as we are mortal, he will continue to pull and pull. I want to grow close enough to our Father, that Satan's "pull" will barely be a blip on my radar.
Okay, well enough of my preachy preachy...maybe I need to get a tent :) ha! Okay, I'll talk to you later. Have a great weekend!! Love you my friend, love you and can't wait to see you!DeeDee
Dear Tessa,
The Lord brings to my mind a time that I felt how much He loves me and I wanted to share it with you. It's not that I don't think He loves me, I just forget how much sometimes.
There have been two situations when I've done this. The first one was about a week after Rick had been gone, and I couldn't find him. The second time was a few weeks ago, during ladies fellowship, while we were waiting on the ladies to get back from the funeral home. A group had gone to the viewing of Rick's brother in law. I know I told you that much. What I didn't tell you is what I did while they were gone.
My heart was too overwhelmed to try to have the meeting, and we had told them that we would wait and start when they come back. I told the ladies that were still there to go ahead and have their snack, and I left the room. My heart was just too heavy and way to overwhelmed at the thought that soon there would be a room full of ladies that had just got back from seeing Rick. I couldn't breath or think, so I headed for the dimly lit sanctuary.
I approached the alter in the same place that I had almost 6 years ago, when my heart was desperately pleading for the Lord to direct Rick to come home (and he did that night too, but for just one night).
So there I was that night, ladies down the hall waiting on things to start, and me standing at the alter. I knelt down and that's where I found God waiting. At the side of the church that you all sit on, in the corner closest to the pulpit...that's where He was waiting on me. Both times I've been to that spot, I've just sat on the floor of the alter with my head buried in His lap, or so it felt....or so it is.
Both times were amazing Tessa. I stated my case through tears and sobs, but He didn't mind. It felt as though I were a child, and my Father waited patiently, stroking my head as I cried in His lap. When I was all done, silence fell over the auditorium and I just sat there with head and arms flung upon the alter, sometimes wrapped around it, but always like a child....still in His lap. That's when I've felt the love of God the strongest in my life, ever. That's when I felt His still strength as He held me there...held me in his lap. It's a place that I dare not go while the room is full. I don't think people would understand and that spot is for my time with the Lord alone. I wish I had the time to go there every day. I know the Lord meets us where we are, but there's something about that corner of the alter, and that dimly lit room....
Well there you go, there you have it, the great love of the Lord. I've felt it. I just wish I could feel it always, understand it always and take it with me always. I need to grow close enough to Him that I do just that. It's not Him that pulls away, it's me. I hate that part of being human. To pull away from that love that I feel in the corner of the alter is utterly useless to do. It doesn't benefit me to pull away, and I wish I could stop. Satan is behind this, I know that's true. I think as long as we are mortal, he will continue to pull and pull. I want to grow close enough to our Father, that Satan's "pull" will barely be a blip on my radar.
Okay, well enough of my preachy preachy...maybe I need to get a tent :) ha! Okay, I'll talk to you later. Have a great weekend!! Love you my friend, love you and can't wait to see you!DeeDee
Monday, November 03, 2008
Manna....
"The LORD of hosts hath sworn, saying, Surely as I have thought, so shall it come to pass; and as I have purposed, so shall it stand." Isaiah 14:24
What an amazing reminder of how God works. He doesn't change His mind when a situation looks too hard (for us, never for Him). He doesn't back down because He thinks He can't defeat the enemy. What He purposes, shall be. What He has thought, shall happen. I love this verse! Leave it to the Lord to deliver His strength and encouragement straight from His word, right at the perfect time, when I feel my weakest. I told Him yesterday, "I can't go on, I can't do this any longer." I want children, and standing for my marriage year after year, seems hopeless. Still in my heart, I know it's what He's asked me to do, and I've got to trust that. And then on the side of my blog, today's verse is like manna from Heaven, filling my heart with much needed sustenance to keep moving forward, to trust Him for one more day, to keep standing and believing that He knows my hearts desire. If it's His will for me to have children then it will be in His perfect time. One more day...
What an amazing reminder of how God works. He doesn't change His mind when a situation looks too hard (for us, never for Him). He doesn't back down because He thinks He can't defeat the enemy. What He purposes, shall be. What He has thought, shall happen. I love this verse! Leave it to the Lord to deliver His strength and encouragement straight from His word, right at the perfect time, when I feel my weakest. I told Him yesterday, "I can't go on, I can't do this any longer." I want children, and standing for my marriage year after year, seems hopeless. Still in my heart, I know it's what He's asked me to do, and I've got to trust that. And then on the side of my blog, today's verse is like manna from Heaven, filling my heart with much needed sustenance to keep moving forward, to trust Him for one more day, to keep standing and believing that He knows my hearts desire. If it's His will for me to have children then it will be in His perfect time. One more day...
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Holy Cow That Was Hard...
I've not been skating in years...yeeeeeaars!! Today we had a skating party for my 5 year old niece, McKenzie. I didn't really intend on skating, really I didn't. But as I started to guilt my two brothers and one of my sister-in-laws into skating, I knew I'd have to do it too. So I headed off to get the undesirables.
As I sat there strapping my feet into these killer shoes with wheels (who thought of this anyway?) I wasn't sure if I could do it any more. As I stood up, I felt 10 feet tall, and very unsteady....and that was just on the carpet. My mind went wild as I tried to fathom sliding my feet out onto that slick wood floor. Could I do it? Was I about to make a big fool of myself? You bet!
A few times around, and I started to gain a little more confidence, maybe too much...because about the fourth time around, it happened. I was talking to my sister-in-law, as we were going down the straight stretch and all of a sudden, I felt myself loose it. There I was, 10 feet tall, jerking and convulsing, arms flying every which way, trying to stay in the horizontal position.
The floor felt harder than I remember it ever feeling. And as I scraped myself up off of the said floor, and crawled over to the wall all I could think of was..."Don't throw up!! Doooonn't throw up!!!" Not only was my social fobia in full force about now, but there was searing pain shooting down my left leg, and I knew then that I had messed up what the chiropractor had been working to fix (he's gonna love that...no really! He's gonna love the fact that we have to start over $$$).
I don't know what happened. I hate to think that I'm getting old. There were guys out on the floor, much older than myself. I was certainly out of practice. We used to do this all the time as kids. I remember learning to skate. Yes I remember a lot of stuff, I know. But I remember my Dad teaching me to skate, out on our street....almost makes me want to cry. There aren't streets like that anymore, where kids play from sun up till sundown. I had almost forgotten who taught me to skate, till today.
We would always have these skating parties at school too. I remember flying around that rink, well not that one, but the other one in town (that's turned into a music store now!). Skating to good old skate music, doing the Hokey Pokey and the YMCA, skating with Eddie Desenta and Russell Balderson (the two boys who asked me to skate in the 6th grade, yes I told you I remember lots of stuff)......flying...flying...flying around that rink. We'd chase the boys, then they'd chase us. Never did I worry about falling down, because I didn't back then.
For those of you who want to know, yes I picked myself up and after a few minutes to gather my sanity and throw it out the door again, I went a few more rounds...and loved it!
As I sat there strapping my feet into these killer shoes with wheels (who thought of this anyway?) I wasn't sure if I could do it any more. As I stood up, I felt 10 feet tall, and very unsteady....and that was just on the carpet. My mind went wild as I tried to fathom sliding my feet out onto that slick wood floor. Could I do it? Was I about to make a big fool of myself? You bet!
A few times around, and I started to gain a little more confidence, maybe too much...because about the fourth time around, it happened. I was talking to my sister-in-law, as we were going down the straight stretch and all of a sudden, I felt myself loose it. There I was, 10 feet tall, jerking and convulsing, arms flying every which way, trying to stay in the horizontal position.
The floor felt harder than I remember it ever feeling. And as I scraped myself up off of the said floor, and crawled over to the wall all I could think of was..."Don't throw up!! Doooonn't throw up!!!" Not only was my social fobia in full force about now, but there was searing pain shooting down my left leg, and I knew then that I had messed up what the chiropractor had been working to fix (he's gonna love that...no really! He's gonna love the fact that we have to start over $$$).
I don't know what happened. I hate to think that I'm getting old. There were guys out on the floor, much older than myself. I was certainly out of practice. We used to do this all the time as kids. I remember learning to skate. Yes I remember a lot of stuff, I know. But I remember my Dad teaching me to skate, out on our street....almost makes me want to cry. There aren't streets like that anymore, where kids play from sun up till sundown. I had almost forgotten who taught me to skate, till today.
We would always have these skating parties at school too. I remember flying around that rink, well not that one, but the other one in town (that's turned into a music store now!). Skating to good old skate music, doing the Hokey Pokey and the YMCA, skating with Eddie Desenta and Russell Balderson (the two boys who asked me to skate in the 6th grade, yes I told you I remember lots of stuff)......flying...flying...flying around that rink. We'd chase the boys, then they'd chase us. Never did I worry about falling down, because I didn't back then.
For those of you who want to know, yes I picked myself up and after a few minutes to gather my sanity and throw it out the door again, I went a few more rounds...and loved it!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Congratulations...
Congratulations to Sunny from Life in the Estrogen Ocean . She is the winner of the 3 gift bags given away in the Bloggy Carnival Giveaway!! .
Thank you to everyone who entered the giveaway!! I never expected so many wonderful wonderful comments. You all made me feel very good about myself and my crafties! Thank you again. I never expected such blessings.
Thank you to everyone who entered the giveaway!! I never expected so many wonderful wonderful comments. You all made me feel very good about myself and my crafties! Thank you again. I never expected such blessings.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Bloggy Giveaway Carnival Time....
Well, I finally did it. I opened up a shop at Etsy . I don't know if I'll sell anything, but for now, I'm joining over 1292 (and counting) people, in giving stuff away for the Bloggy Giveaway Carnival . My item is #1293!! WOW!! 
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Here's How To Enter...
I do need your help. I need to pic a profile picture for my Etsy account. I got goofy last night and took some pics with paint brushes, so please leave a comment on this blog letting me know which picture number you like best, and you will be entered to win three seasonal hand painted gift bags with tissue and ribbon, from Me, Dee! I will draw a winner at random on Nov. 1st, then I will announce the winner that day, here on my blog.
Please feel free to look around my blog, or subscribe to it, and have a look at my Etsy Shop. I will be adding new things as often as I can. Oh yeah, please make sure you leave a valid email address so I can reach the winner! Thanks so much!!
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I'd Love To Try These...
Please visit LaneyPottery.com to see the Pottery Apple Bakers for yourself.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Song #2...
- I didn't know that he attended Bob Jones University but then was expelled for attending a 4Him concert.
- and I just have to add this quote, "Sligh said he has no hard feelings, even though he was expelled from Bob Jones after attending a contemporary Christian concert featuring the group 4Him. 'They kicked me out,' Sligh said. 'It was actually good, because I had been trying to figure out how to leave. My parents had given me the option of going to two colleges, and I chose the less-crazy one, believe it or not....I don't want to throw them underneath the bus. I respect what they do--it's just that their sect of Christianity is not really what I want to be associated with.
- I didn't know that he was the son of missionaries Charles and Susan Sligh, Independent Fundamentalist Baptist missionaries to American military servicemen in Europe.
- I didn't know that he left BJU to attend a small Baptist school in the late 1990s.
- I did not know that he had a blog... http://www.frommymindtoyoureyes.blogspot.com/
- I did not know that he is a cousin of Terry Fator, season 2 winner of America's Got Talent.
I didn't even remember him from American Idol Season 6...until I looked up his picture
But then I remembered as soon as I saw it, even though I don't really watch too much of the show. I remembered that hair and the fact that he looks like Jack Osborne.
What I do know is that I love this song that he wrote and now has playing on Klove. I found this slowed down version that is beautiful and it's now the second song on my playlist. I hope you love it and I hope it's words speak to you as much as they do to me. I need emptying daily.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Be Still And Know That I Am God. Psalm 46:10
Just listen...
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is Holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of Peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is Faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still
Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, be speechless
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still
Be still...
Maybe I've told you, maybe I've not....
In 2003, there was a point in life that I had to really sink myself into the absolute truth of this verse. I was crying every day...what felt like every minute of the day. I wasn't much fit to be around people and so the Lord had blessed me with a job that was much needed, one where I would have many moments to myself.
I don't remember if someone bought me the CD or if I picked it up myself. But this song was on it. I listened to this CD all the time at home, as I had no player in the car, but it would end up being in the car, where I would soon hear this verse the loudest.
It was late morning and I was driving to North Hills to pick up the three kids I was babysitting for. John, the 13 month old brother of the three, was asleep in his car seat. It was just me and the Lord, and not much else. I remember as clear as day, crying out to Him. I was still in deep despair over Rick leaving, still in deep despair at the thoughts of this other woman giving him a child. My heart was at the absolute breaking point and I cried out loud, "What do I do Lord? How will I bare it if she gives him a son? How will I bare it?" It was over the following sobs that I heard today's verse," Be still and know that I am God".
I heard it as plain as day, as plain as if someone were in the car with me. "Be still and know that I am God. She's not pregnant.", were the exact words that I heard. It's the hardest thing to describe, because it wasn't a voice that anyone else could have heard, because I know it wasn't audible, it was in my spirit. It wasn't my own voice or a voice pulled from my memory. It was the most gentle, calming, loving voice of a man that I'd never heard until that day. It was a voice that spoke with gentleness but also some strange sense of authority. I didn't have to ask again what was said, I didn't need to hear it again...it was the most honest voice I ever had heard, and I know that may not make sense but that's what it was. I never had to question, never had to wonder if what He was saying was true. I knew that instant that it was going to be alright, that she wasn't going to give Rick a child...and she didn't...and Satan lost that battle full of lies and deception.
Today I still need that same verse, I still lean on that same God. I've not heard another voice, but I think God spoke to my heart when I needed it the most, when I was at the end of my strength and the end of my rope. I thank Him every day for life and for second chances, but He gives me more than second chances...He forgives me over and over and when I struggle with things that I don't know how to control He brings me today's verse...there on the side of my blog, waiting to remind me and sustain me through today's confusion. Today I rest my head upon His breast...I listen to the rythm of His unchanging and unfailing heart of Love and know that it's the surest place to be.
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is Holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of Peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is Faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still
Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, be speechless
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still
Be still...
Maybe I've told you, maybe I've not....
In 2003, there was a point in life that I had to really sink myself into the absolute truth of this verse. I was crying every day...what felt like every minute of the day. I wasn't much fit to be around people and so the Lord had blessed me with a job that was much needed, one where I would have many moments to myself.
I don't remember if someone bought me the CD or if I picked it up myself. But this song was on it. I listened to this CD all the time at home, as I had no player in the car, but it would end up being in the car, where I would soon hear this verse the loudest.
It was late morning and I was driving to North Hills to pick up the three kids I was babysitting for. John, the 13 month old brother of the three, was asleep in his car seat. It was just me and the Lord, and not much else. I remember as clear as day, crying out to Him. I was still in deep despair over Rick leaving, still in deep despair at the thoughts of this other woman giving him a child. My heart was at the absolute breaking point and I cried out loud, "What do I do Lord? How will I bare it if she gives him a son? How will I bare it?" It was over the following sobs that I heard today's verse," Be still and know that I am God".
I heard it as plain as day, as plain as if someone were in the car with me. "Be still and know that I am God. She's not pregnant.", were the exact words that I heard. It's the hardest thing to describe, because it wasn't a voice that anyone else could have heard, because I know it wasn't audible, it was in my spirit. It wasn't my own voice or a voice pulled from my memory. It was the most gentle, calming, loving voice of a man that I'd never heard until that day. It was a voice that spoke with gentleness but also some strange sense of authority. I didn't have to ask again what was said, I didn't need to hear it again...it was the most honest voice I ever had heard, and I know that may not make sense but that's what it was. I never had to question, never had to wonder if what He was saying was true. I knew that instant that it was going to be alright, that she wasn't going to give Rick a child...and she didn't...and Satan lost that battle full of lies and deception.
Today I still need that same verse, I still lean on that same God. I've not heard another voice, but I think God spoke to my heart when I needed it the most, when I was at the end of my strength and the end of my rope. I thank Him every day for life and for second chances, but He gives me more than second chances...He forgives me over and over and when I struggle with things that I don't know how to control He brings me today's verse...there on the side of my blog, waiting to remind me and sustain me through today's confusion. Today I rest my head upon His breast...I listen to the rythm of His unchanging and unfailing heart of Love and know that it's the surest place to be.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Almost Over...
So my vacation is almost over...I don't think I mind too much. I miss being at work and I miss joking with my co-worker. I've learned from being at home this week, that I need to work, to stay productive everywhere else. I know that may not make sense, but I need the routine. That's not to say that someday, I would like to be blessed, like other woment, with the gift of being able to stay at home and take care of babies, my husband and the house...but I don't see that happening anywhere in the near future. So, I praise God for my todays, for my life right now, for everything that He has given me in order to support myself... while I'm waiting.
For now, I'm going to go finish some much needed wall washing.
For now, I'm going to go finish some much needed wall washing.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Day 5...
I went back in to work today, but not to work. I had told my co-worker and the lady who was covering for me, that I would come in and cook breakfast. I know, I know...but it was fun. Jeff had a pig butchered and brought in sausage, bacon and ham. Karen brought in eggs, butter and OJ. I brought in milk, pancake stuff, and croissants (cause Jeff wanted them for his sausage). It was a feast for sure.
While I was there, Karen was telling me that my employer was reducing the hours at work for a while. Now instead of 47, we will be getting 40, which is fine, but I have to say it strikes a little fear in me. In my job, if the economy is down, if the stock market plummets...I may end up with no job. I keep trying to remember that God is in control even if the stock market is out of control. He gave me this job, and He is still in control of it.
The chiropractor did me no good today, but he did take xrays and I've got to go back on Monday. I sure wish someone would have told me not to wear a stupid skirt to the chiropractor's office....where he made me lay on the table and lift my legs straight up, one at a time!!!! I thought I'd die! Stupid skirt!!!
While I was there, Karen was telling me that my employer was reducing the hours at work for a while. Now instead of 47, we will be getting 40, which is fine, but I have to say it strikes a little fear in me. In my job, if the economy is down, if the stock market plummets...I may end up with no job. I keep trying to remember that God is in control even if the stock market is out of control. He gave me this job, and He is still in control of it.
The chiropractor did me no good today, but he did take xrays and I've got to go back on Monday. I sure wish someone would have told me not to wear a stupid skirt to the chiropractor's office....where he made me lay on the table and lift my legs straight up, one at a time!!!! I thought I'd die! Stupid skirt!!!
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