Thursday, July 03, 2008

While I was cleaning...

I've been up for quite a while now. I don't really sleep in anymore because I'm so used to getting up early for work. So it's 8:00 and I've already been cleaning for over and hour when I decided to turn the cd player on. What took me so long?! Anyway, my Casting Crowns cd was in there, so thought I'd just listen to it. I've heard this song, Somewhere In The Middle, so many times, as I've listened this cd almost to the point of melt down (the cd, not me). I've heard the words, but I guess I've never really "listened" to them. Or maybe I just never needed them till now. As I listened I realized that so many times, I'm like this song and I'm stuck between who i want to be and who I am....or maybe who I was. I never want to go back to who I was, but I also know that growing into who God wants me to be is such a long hard struggle as a human being who lives in a sinful world, and has a sinful nature. I feel like I'm fighting daily to be who He wants me to be. I kind of feel like that is a good thing though. I know I'll never reach His perfection, none of us will, but as long as I keep striving towards it...towards Him, then I'm on the right track. As long as I continue to have conviction over my sin, and long for forgivness, and ask for it daily, then my heart is not hard and I'm still learning and growing. I live in a world where so many around me seem to have reached some kind of perfection in their Christian walk...as I listen to this song, I know I'm not alone because someone had to have been in the same place I am to have written these words.
Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am, and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're makin me
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me.

Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender...without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence~reckless abandon wrapped in common sense~deep water faith in the shallow end~and we are caught in the middle~ with eyes wide open to the differences~the God we want and the God who is~will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle~are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the alter and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me


Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender...without losing all control


Fearless warriors in a picket fence~reckless abandon wrapped in common sense~deep water faith in the shallow end~and we are caught in the middle~ with eyes wide open to the differences~the God we want and the God who is~will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle~are we caught in the middle

Lord I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side, loving me even on these nights...when I'm caught in the middle...caught in the middle

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Long Day Ending With Some Sheep....

I'm so looking forward to having the next four days off. I'm not sure why we are getting four days, but I'm not going to complain, I'm going to continue to be grateful. I need to be away from the job for a few days.


I knew today would be busy and would end late. Fridays are always busy, Fridays that are at the end of the month are even more so. Today was treated like a Friday...one that ended on the same week that the month ended. There are always extra long reports to run on such days, and today was no different. By the time all the cleaning, reports and such were done, it was after 7:00pm.


My church is on the highway, on my way home from work, and as I passed by it , my heart and spirit longed to go inside. Since there was a chance that I might have to climb the equipment to get the hours off each one, I wasn't dressed for church (jeans and sneakers). Still I wanted to go...so I just went home. I thought about sitting in the parking lot of the church, at least that way I'd be close...but I've done that before and got caught...so I went home and sat in my own driveway. I had church in my driveway as I listened to prayer requests, everyone shaking hands and loving on each other, the offering and the message.

Our Pastor at Calvary Community is a very gifted teacher. He spoke tonight on Psalms 23:2 and about the comparison between the sheep and us as Christians. I found it very interesting that sheep will not lie down if they


1. Do not feel safe and secure

2. Feel problems between the other sheep

3. Are hungry

4. Have parasites



I may have not gotten them worded exactly how he did, but if you think about it and put these in context to the verse saying, "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures" and remember that David was a shepherd and he knew what it took for a sheep to "lie down" and rest. David was comparing himself to a sheep and the Lord being his Shepherd, how the Lord enabled him to lay down and rest. These four things can cause us not to rest, just like sheep, but we have a Shepherd who can take care of each one if we are willing to bring them to Him and follow His instructions.



I wish I knew how to study the Bible like that. I would have never ever thought in a million years to look up the habits of sheep, even thought David said, "The Lord is my Shepherd" I would have never thought to see what sheep are like and compare it to what we are like and how the Lord takes care of us like a Shepherd. I guess sometimes I look at things in the Bible and think to myself, WHAT does that mean? But I don't seem to comprehend how to find out, so I just keep reading. I wish there was a class that taught us how to study the Bible. We already study it in church, I want to learn how to study it at home....I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but I hope so.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Just Found This Article....and I Love It!!!




Bigfoot.....The relentless march upward of the American shoe size.
By Jennifer Howard

Want to reduce a shoe salesperson to helpless laughter? Walk into a shoe store, pick out the sexy stiletto of the moment, and ask, "Do you carry this in 11 narrow?"

I've been living and reliving this unhappy scenario since I was big enough to care about shoes. Maybe my frustrated longing for strappy sandals and kitten heels started with the brace—a hideous metal bar with boots bolted to it at bone-torturing angles—I was forced to sleep in as a pigeon-toed youngster. Maybe it was the corresponding daytime wardrobe my keepers inflicted on me: orthopedic clodhoppers that could have been designed by Frankenstein's boot-maker. By the time my feet straightened out, they'd expanded past the department-store size cutoff—which was and for the most part remains size 10—straight into barn-stomping, bunion-friendly territory.

I'm not alone here in the land of the big-footed. In fact, I've got more company all the time. Not only are Americans getting fatter, we're getting bigger and taller, and our feet are keeping pace. Podiatric historian William Rossi says that this enlarging trend has been going on for about 150 years. At the beginning of the 20th century, the average American woman wore a 3.5 or a 4; by the 1940s she was strapping on a 5.5. According to The Professional Shoe Fitting Manual, the average American adult female's shoe size in the 1960s was a 5.5 or a 6; in the '70s, it climbed to about 7.5; and in the '80s, it reached 8 or 8.5. No stats have been added yet for the '90s, but you can do the math: By now, the average women's size could hover somewhere in the 9s. Besides, due to regular wear and tear, foot ligaments and joints stretch—which means that over the course of a lifetime, shoe size tends to increase by about one size. And this isn't just a feminine phenomenon; according to Army records, the average shoe size worn by male recruits has gone up from about a 6 to about a 9.5 since the American Revolution.

Accordingly, bigger sizes sell out faster than they did 25 years ago, says the National Shoe Retailers Association. The best-selling sizes at Manolo Blahnik—the Holy Grail of the shoe-obsessed—are 7.5 to 8, and 41s and 42s (American sizes 11-12, roughly) are increasingly popular. For 20 percent more than the usual retail price—which, at around $500, is not chump change to begin with—you can special-order Carrie Bradshaw's latest obsession in sizes up to 42.5 (about a 12.5). Only a few companies, however, take pains to cater to the long-footed; apparently they've never heard my mother's theory that big feet are aristocratic. My husband fears that one day I'll leave him for Stuart Weitzman or Donald Pliner, two enlightened designers whose eponymous companies offer decently trendy (and correspondingly pricey) styles in larger as well as narrower sizes (Weitzman goes up to 12-AAA in some styles; Pliner does 12-M's). Get much past a 12, though, and you have to elbow aside the cross-dressers at a store like Washington, D.C.'s Dream Dresser, which carries women's footwear in sizes as large as 15, thanks to a kind of house-label arrangement with a handful of manufacturers.

A tour of my local mall—the delightful Towson Town Center, outside Baltimore—demonstrated that a lot of manufacturers seem to think that anybody who wears above a size 10 yearns only for yet another pair of sensible black flats or (shudder) "walking shoes." At Hecht's, the only 11s on offer were a pair of Aerosole pumps. (Don't tempt me!) Nine West did better, providing six or seven pairs of stylin' 11s—no narrows, though, and don't even try asking for a 12, as one high-schooler found when she came in, only to be turned away. She said that she and several of her friends often wear men's shoes because they can't find cheap shoes that are big enough. Nordstrom built its reputation in part on catering to a wide range of shoe sizes. But when I asked for a nice pair of summer slides, the salesman there looked as shocked as if I'd asked him to perform sexual favors on the showroom floor.
The average mall-crawler's one thing; what about all those leggy models with long limbs and feet to match? Roman Young, an agent at Elite Model Management in Manhattan, confirms that the average shoe size for models has climbed to a 9 or a 10, matching their statuesque height (the average is 5 feet 9 inches or 5 feet 10 inches). I felt a little better when he told me that even high-paid lovelies face foot discrimination; if a model wears a size 11 or 12 shoe, she may find herself cooling her heels instead of strutting them on the catwalk. Young recalls a Gucci show a while back where the models were hired on the basis of who could squeeze, Cinderella-like, into a certain shoe: "You had the most beautiful girls in the world trying to cram their feet into this handmade boot that was like a size 8."

Barbara Thornton, Harvard MBA and founder and president of DesignerShoes.com (a Web site "for women who leave a larger footprint"), has a personal stake in all this; she wears an 11.5, as does her daughter. Like most of the shoe folks I talked to, she won't give out sales numbers, which are considered proprietary information. She will say that size 12 is the company's bread-and-butter size, what's known in the trade as a "heart" size (meaning heart of the business), while sizes 13-M and 8 double-wide have become its main growth areas. The company even stocks some 13-WWs and 14-M's.

Thornton sees the limited availability of larger sizes as a political issue. Department stores and brand names drive what's available, she says, and they want to minimize their on-hand inventory—shoe boxes take up a lot of store space, which is why the selection online, at places like DesignerShoes.com and Nordstrom.com, tends to be better. And manufacturers don't like to shell out to make new last prototypes. For regular stores, the standard 5 to 10 size range becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; they don't stock many so-called plus sizes, so big-footed people learn not to endure the humiliation of shopping there, which means that the stores can say there's no demand. Adding insult to unavailability, a lot of retailers apparently cling to the idea that the big-shoe buyer is either a fashion-blind biddy with corns or a hard-luck case who can barely afford the box her knockoff Nikes come in.

Meanwhile, the Pliners and Weitzmans of the world give the larger-footed hope, not to mention stylish if not exactly budget-conscious footwear. (Both run about $150 a pair.) For those who worry about the never-ending expansion of our soles, William Rossi has this bit of encouragement to offer: In the year 2300, we probably won't be clomping around in size 18 Manolos. We'll keep getting bigger "probably for another century, and then it will turn off. ... There's a point at which Nature says, 'Enough.' "

As if we didn't already know that bigger isn't necessarily better.


Saturday, June 28, 2008

My Pinky Finger....

It's been so long since I've posted, that I don't really even know what to say. I guess I've not posted because I have felt very blah lately. You know that super great feeling that you get when your house is clean, your job is going great, your kids are well behaved, your body has no aches and pains and you have no stressful situations to deal with? I feel the exact opposite.

My house needs deep cleaning, my laundry needs completed, my grass is mowed but I've not planted one single flower this year. I still have this lingering cold, and now my left foot hurts really really bad. My job is going okay, but there is always stress with some of the customers. I feel a tremendous amount of stress with certain situations, and feel amazing amounts of negativity coming from other situations. So all in all, I feel very out of balance. Did you notice something was missing? Church......I've let it slip to the back burner....When I'm there, I'm not really "there", and I don't seem to be enjoying anything. I've not slipped into depression or anything, I just feel out of balance and out of control in certain areas. I'm still clear enough to know that I'm going to need to take some steps to get my emotions, body, home and situations back into sync.

I've not said all of this to get pity..I don't want or need that. I've said it all because it's part of a story, part of my story and it's how I feel lately. If I don't mark down the bad, then the healing and the good won't seem so fantastic.

Today, my eyes were opened up by a cut on my pinkie finger. I was out at 7:30 this morning (I'm sure my neighbors were loving me!!) mowing my yard. When I got to the front yard, there lay this huge branch. It had been laying there for about three weeks now. I had done my best to ignore it and scoot my way around it as needed. I was kind of hoping that it had come off the neighbor's tree, but upon careful inspection I realized that it was indeed my tree that had broken and so there it lay. In this area, the only way that the trash will take such a thing is if you break it up into about 4 foot sections and then tie it up into a bundle. I proceeded to do this. After I had removed all the smaller (6 foot and under) I was left with this huge branch that was about 10 feet long and 6 inches around. Since it was dead, I thought I would just break it in half by standing on one side and pushing on the other with my foot, while holding it straight up in the air with my hands. Thus the big gash in my pinkie finger. It took a big chunk out of my finger, but I got it broken in half and ready for the trash man.

It was as I was sitting on my bed putting on a band aid, crying and feeling sorry for myself, that I realized something. I had sat there in despair over the fact that I have no man to help me with the yard work. I was rolling in pity because I have no one to do it for me, and circumstances seem to say I never will. I was crying as another Saturday alone was about to get underway. I was so enveloped in my pity, that I couldn't even see the truth to what was going on, but then I asked, "God what am I supposed to do?"

He was quick to answer, and in my spirit I knew what the answer was. Even though I'm not rolling around in some kind of in your face sin such as adultery, theft, murder or any of the sins that we think are really BIG, I'm still sinning by not nurturing my relationship with God. It's a big enough sin to not read my Bible or pray as I should. Those tiny hairline cracks are big enough for Satan to get in, and start from the inside out. It allows him enough space to jump up on my shoulder and whisper lies of despair. So I have to make a choice. I can either proceed as is, and end up where I was, or I can get on my knees and ask for help in building the all important relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Enough of a pity party for me, I need to choose the second choice daily, and I will have this incredibly painful gash on my pinkie finger to remind me of what I need to be doing.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Babies and Blessings.....

Baby Sunday is always hard for me. Maybe I'm selfish...but I want one too, and I feel like time is running out....and yet God's timing is perfect. It's such a hard lesson to learn, such a hard concept to really understand and sometimes hard to believe. It's in those times of doubt and fear, like the father of the child with the evil spirit, that I want to.... and have many times cried out, "Lord help mine unbelief". I'm certainly no pillar of strength and faith. I feel like I'm always having to ask God to forgive me for my uncertainty. It's funny, because if anyone were to ask me if I knew for sure that the Lord wants me to continue to stand for my marriage, I could say, "Yes" with such conviction and belief, and yet there are times when I am so unsure. I think it's more like I am unsure of whether I can go on, not really if I should. I already know for a fact that I should. That fact, I never doubt.

So on days like today, I sit quietly and try to be happy for everyone else while asking God to forgive me for my jealousy, loneliness, sadness and self pity. I sit and ask Him for His strength, which is perfect by the way, to get through the task that He has laid out before me...."Help me get through to Your end Father, prepared ahead of me and made perfect".

Mark 9:23-24 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

On a totally different note...and please read me out before you think that I'm patting myself on the back. There is a point to this story....and it's not to say, look at me.

It's very hot here today. Very muggy and hot! I was on my way home from church and was almost home, in my blessing of a van that had cold, cold air. As I neared my street, I noticed a man crouched down on the sidewalk, with about 6 to 8 grocery sacks wrapped around his hands. I knew he had come from the local grocery store, and it was at least a half mile from where he was. I pulled into my driveway, cleared off the front seat and headed back to where he was. To make a long story short, I took him to where he lived, which was about another mile, uphill, from where he was. In the van, it took us all of 60 seconds to get to where he lived, but walking would have taken him another hour....he was older than he looked as he was crouched on that sidewalk and like I said, it's hot!

Okay, so now my point. What I did was no big deal, and it only took a couple of extra minutes. In those two extra minutes this verse became real and alive to my heart.Psalm 41:1 Blessed is he that considereth the poor: the LORD will deliver him in time of trouble. Without realizing it, I considered someone other than myself, and the Lord truly blessed me heart by giving me a feeling of usefulness on a day that I was feeling most useless. He "delivered" me out of my troubled heart. It really gave me joy to help someone else, and I know now that the joy that I felt and feel, comes from my Heavenly Father, who wants me to know that He created me for a purpose. He did not create me to feel like I am just taking up space, till death. This afternoon, on the way home from church, He made His word come alive, and I am so thankful for His blessings.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

And Still.......

Still Sick. I don't feel like posting cause even though I'm sick, there's so much to do. I found this list on another blog, and thought it was really cute. A couple of them don't make sense, maybe you could help me out. Like 20 and 25...what does that mean??

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack?"
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks

Friday, May 30, 2008

Hit By A Truck..

I was in bed all evening, and night last night...somewhere in the middle of the night...I think I was hit by a truck. Very sick...need day off, not going to get it, so here I go.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sick...

Still Sick...Blahhhh

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

It's Official...

I didn't want to say much last night at Ladies Fellowship, because I didn't want to seem like a hypochondriac, but now it's offical....I've got one nasty cold. I felt it creeping up last night, but everyone else is sick with colds, and so I didn't want to seem like I was just copying them. But now!!! My throat hurts, my head hurts, my body aches, and my nose is stuffy. It's been one long day at work, I missed church because I feel so utterly lousy, and the dogs can have the run of the house, because I'm headed for bed....and it's only 8:00pm!

Before I go, I want to leave you with a post from Jim Houser's blog. Jim is Steven Curtis Chapman's manager. What he says here, pretty much sums up the last week for the Chapman's, who have weighed heavy on my mind at many moments this past week.

One of the Unanswerable Questions
Everyone wants to know... how are they doing? I understand the question. So many care so deeply, so many can't imagine this loss. But the question is unanswerable, really.
I think Caleb did it best when he said at the visitation and at the funeral that the best term he can find is "confused." "We're sad and happy. Together and Lonely..." and then he stopped, realizing you can't describe confused, in his words, "it's sorta the point of the word." So much wisdom in this young man.


In this difficult time, the Chapman family has not done any interviews. In fact, the only comments the press or media has had from anyone associated with Steven has been through this website, quotes pulled from what we were sharing with you about what has happened. And in a few other instances, Steven's pastor Scotty Smith or the Executive Director of Shaohannahs Hope, Scott Hasenbalg. Still... it is just too painful, just too crazy, the grief too deep.

On Wednesday night and Thursday, they were truly despondent and wailing through this horrible unthinkable thing. On Friday late morning, I saw the family start to string sentences together. And then at the Memorial Service, Saturday, though the emotion was still raw and the pain is still so deep, profound things were said by these people struggling to find their way in a world without Maria.

I've been privileged to be with them each day of this horrible week... so how are they doing? It is unanswerable... but I'll say this... I see them holding on to the Gospel better than you could imagine or hope for, just as you might think they would. Today, the room is quiet, the talk is somber... but occasionally you'll see a smile. Once in awhile, you might even hear a light laugh. Hope never left, and hope is just starting to show itself again, in small ways. There is still profound sadness. There is still deep concern for some in the family and how they will chart their way out of these dark days. But, there is a Savior, they are sure of it, I hear them talking about it. Heaven is real. It's real-er than ever to this close knit family.


Sadness with hope.

A wedding cake picked out today, hope with sadness.a little girl crying missing her sister, sadness with hope.basketball practice and carpool and lasagna from friends for dinner.The new normal is not much fun right now.

And then there is a community of family and friends (including you!) praying. Your prayers are often talked about and appreciated. The family is overwhelmed by your support and is comforted by it, be assured. Grateful for you.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Answers To The Weirdest of Prayers...

Okay, so this is gross, I'll warn you upfront.

It's amazing to me that God cares about the silliest of things, like my dog. My dog who ate something weird like mulch or something, who has had trouble for the past 24 hours passing it. God cares about what I care about, and so today the dog made it through the turmoil of dealing with things he shouldn't eat, and now all is well.....in plain English....He finally pooped!

Another matter that he is dealing with, seems to be healing as well. I noticed a very bad place on his left eye, and had to end up taking him to the vet. The vet concluded that older boxers do get cancer, quite often. He informed me that a lot of times they will have it someplace else in their body, and it will come out their eye. A friend that I hadn't seen in a long while, said the same thing about their boxer, when he saw mine on Saturday, at the tire store.

Since then, I've been putting the drops in his eye, three times a day, and waiting and praying. The vet wants to see him again in ten days, and if it's not better at all, then he'll do a biopsy to see if he has cancer. Well, praise the Lord, it seems to be getting better. We are not out of the woods yet, but it really does seem to be getting smaller and smaller with each day.

I'm mentally preparing myself, just in case. I understand that living things don't live forever and I want to be prepared for that...still no one likes to loose something they love, and I do love my dog. My dog has been through the hardest parts of my life with me......I'll end there.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Missing...

Today is probably the day of the year that I miss my childhood the most. It's the day that we would all pile in the car, and go visit my great aunts and uncles, who always took jars of flowers to put on their families graves. Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I'd be a 37 year old woman one day, sitting around crying about lost loved ones that I miss so dear.

My parents were probably my age then, as they spent the day with those they also loved dearly. I wonder if they ever thought the time would come that they wouldn't have them any longer.

Indeed, where does the time go? Now I know all too well that one day I'll be an even older woman, sitting around missing my parents and thinking about the day we spent together today, driving around and looking at old bridges together......I don't even want to comprehend that moment, and so I'll leave it at that.

On a more up-note, Sissy did great at the sitters. She wore herself totally out, and she slept all day long in the van floor.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Happy Happy Birthday Baby.....

Happy Birthday to my two little buddies, Eli and Jillian! I had such a wonderful time visiting with you last night and today. I wish my visit could have been longer!!

I had to get back today, for a church banquet, but my visit with Lisa and her crew was very much needed and very much wonderful. I got to spend some time with the kids playing, and some time with Lisa shopping. It's one of the hard parts about living in different cities. You can't just pick up the phone and say, "Hey, you want to run to the grocery store with me?" I don't know if Lisa has anyone that she does this with, and I probably don't want to know, because I know I'd be jealous. Regardless, I loved our short time together, and I know I need to try harder to carve out more of it.

On the way home, I spent some much needed time with someone else. I don't know what it is about the drive home from Charleston, but I always seem to get in good prayer time during the trip. Today was no different. It's so easy to pour my heart out to God, when there is nothing else I need to do but drive.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Leaving My Sissy...

A new experience for my new dog, Sissy. She's going to be going to day-care in just a little while, since I'm going to be going out of town for the rest of the weekend. She's 17 weeks old and she's not been away from us for the night, so I don't know how she'll do. I know that Tigger will do fine. I'm sure he's ready for a break from her. She is constantly tormenting him. He loves playing with her, but he IS nine years old, and so he's tired too. Tigger will be staying with my parents, but Sissy is a bouncing pain in the butt, so she's got to stay somewhere else. We are afraid that she will cause my Dad to fall over her, and that wouldn't be good.

As for me, I'm off to see my best friend and her crew. It feels like forever since I've seen her. I want so much to carve out some time each month, but somehow life keeps getting in the way, and so I'm off today to catch up, even if it's just for a little while.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Night Graduation

Unfortunatly there will be no pictures of my nephew's graduation from kindergarten, because my camera didn't arrive in time to get charged up.

I can't believe that he graduated from kindergarten tonight. It seems like yesterday that he was just a tiny little, red headed, man that come into the world all too early. Now, here he stand wearing the cutest little blue cap and gown, ready to share first grade with his friends, such as Eli and others that he's spent his first year of school with.

My niece starts kindergarten next year, and Matthew will be in the 6th grade!All of these kids are growing up too fast, and I need to find ways to spend more time with them, before the time is gone.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

My Heart and My Prayers Go Out...

www.stevencurtischapman.com

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Today...

8 years ago today, I married my husband...I miss him greatly today. I've had to fight off bitterness and even a little hatred, all day long. I've found myself praying more than once today, asking for forgiveness for my feelings.

I miss him more than he will ever be able to comprehend, but like I told my doctor today, " I serve a God that is bigger than all my problems."

Still, I love and miss my Rick....

Monday, May 19, 2008

Yesterday...

Graduation was good. Even 19 years later, I feel so proud of my Alma mater. Maybe it's because I go to the church from which the school was founded, and it's right across the parking lot, and so I'm around it constantly. Still, even so, I love it and I'm proud to still represent it.

This was our 35th year, and I had a big dream of all the past graduates walking down the isle in black caps and gowns and then singing the school song..."Overlooking broad Ohio, Belpre Christian stands, ever to the Lord we're faithful, true to His commands...." Oh well...it was a good dream, but one I wouldn't have been ready for anyway, since my husband and I booth graduated from the same school.

It's funny, I say that I want him home and I'm standing for my marriage, but I dread....more like I'm scared when it comes to the next time we come face to face. It's an area that I really need to bathe in prayer and ask the Lord to prepare me for.

Anyway, it was a good graduation. I always cry when the graduates cry, and one of our guys got choked up when thanking his mom today. It was heartwarming and sad all at the same time.

As for lunch yesterday...I decided that it's not worth my time discussing. Sorry...I decided just to pray about a certain bitterness that is creeping in my life. This person is not not NOT worth hindering my prayers for those I love....so I pray for forgiveness and tolerance towards those with different opinions from my own.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Busy Busy Sunday....

Church (my nursury Sunday), a quick lunch....one that I wished I hadn't taken...graduation, and then church again this evening. I'm tired and headed for bed. I'll tell you more later about the lunch...maybe.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

A Great Evening...

I've been so nervous all day long, about going out to eat tonight. My friend from work decided to take me out to eat tonight. Jeff didn't really say why, but I'm assuming that it was for my birthday. I don't know why things like that make me nervous, but they sometimes do.



Anyhow, Jeff, his wife Tammy and their 13 year old daughter Kaitlyn took me to Logans Steak House, which I love love love. I had such a good time. Jeff can be quiet sometimes and then other times he has me laughing so hard I can't breath. He's like working with a big prankster brother. Tammy is so sweet, and we get along really well, and their daughter was a crack up. Such a sweet girl, who is soooo much like her father...quite a cracker jack! She kept me laughing all evening. She reminded me so much of the days I was sitting for the Cabaniss family...I miss my Cabby kids so much tonight, and seriously feel like spending my stimulus check on an airline ticket.....


Well, I don't really get to go out much. I was very thankful for the evening. It was so fun and very much needed.



On a totally different note...


I talked about a video that was shown last Sunday night at church. It was posted on Youtube, and I think it's worth sharing, so here it is...Make sure you pause the player at the bottom of the page, before starting the video.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Birthday Party...

We had a birthday party/cookout tonight at my parents house, and I got wonderful gifts that I don't deserve.

My brother is into making these beautiful candle holders. I'll have to take a picture later and add it to this post. Mom hired him to make me two of them from her and Dad and they got me a dark fuchsia colored Orchid plant too. It's something which I really really wanted and hoped to get. Kevin also made me a cool light, plus bought me a pair of binoculars. My other brother and his family got me Curve Crush, one of my favorites, and two candles.

Speaking of talented people....I also need to take a pic and post it, of the beautiful necklace/earings/and braclet set that my talented, talented friend Michelle made me! BEAUTIFUL!!

Well, I'll post pics later, right now I've got to get to bed. It's late and I've got tons of stuff that needs to get done tomorrow.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Last Night...

I am always amazed at how God delivers comfort and truth. Last night it was through the message spoken at church, by our Pastor. I want to get a copy of it, and somehow get it on Youtube, so I can put it on my blog.

Once again, I thank God for a Pastor that seeks out what the Lord wants him to speak about. And so until I can get the copy and find someone who can help me get it on Youtube, I'll leave you with this....

God has a plan and a promise...God can not lie....God can not lie and so I wait.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

37 Today...Some Raw Moments Of My Own

I'm trying not to be depressed....I don't think I am....I think I'm just a little sad, and a little anxious. I don't mind getting older, except for the fact that everyone around me gets older too, and I know that someday I'll start loosing the ones I love the most. I've realized and been burdened by this since I was about 10 years old. If I remember correctly this is about the time our Pastor Armentrout died, and pretty close to the time that my Papper (Grandpa) died. I think that's when I started to realize that it would happen to everyone, and that realization has just kept growing.

More that that, the older I get, the closer I get to 40 with no babies of my own....that's what makes me sad today. I sit and wonder how I got here in this place, and will I ever get out. I know I've got to trust in God, and I'm afraid my faith is weak in this moment. Sometimes if I'm quiet and think too much about it, I start hearing the lies, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but I start believing them. Womanhood to me, means babies. I was created and formed into a creature that gives life to the next generation. It's one of the things that I want most. It's my deepest hearts desire to know the joy of carrying and delivering a child, then raising that child the best that I can, to know, to love and to serve Jesus with all of it's heart. I give Him my life, and I want to give Him the lives of my children.

Yet in the darkness, I can feel the lie. I wish I could control my brain to not listen. When I hear it, I start wondering, and then I get scared that it's true. I start to worry that if God knows that what I want most is to have my husband home, and to start a family....that it's exactly what I'm not going to get. My head knows that all I need is the Lord, but my heart won't grasp it, so is God going to show me, by leaving me in this place.....to prove a point? Why can't my heart grasp today that I serve a loving God Who wants to give good gifts to His children. Why can't I understand and truly believe that the Father in heaven loves me....LOVES ME more than anyone else on the face of the earth loves me, and that He weeps when I weep, and that He longs to give me what I want. I know that there is a reason for everything, that God intends to orchestrate growth in me first...and that although He won't control us...He won't control Rick into doing what He wants him to do... He still has a plan, a path and a timetable to everything.



"I start the day, the war begins. Endless reminding of my sin. Time and time again, Your truth is drown out by the storm I'm in. Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away, from Your leaving me this way."

So I guess when I start hearing the lies, I need to start working harder to shut them out, so I can hear and believe the truth.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Don't Like It....

I had to fire someone today. This is the first time I've ever had to do this, and I didn't like it. The guy should have known it was coming though. When I sent him for his new hire drug screening....well he let me know ahead of time that he woudn't be able to pass it. It was just a matter of time, and today was the day. Still....I didn't like it.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Just For Us Girls...

When I logged on to youtube.com tonight, I come across this Playtex sight, and I just had to see what this was all about. Okay, maybe I'm pretty simple, but I think this is so cute. The embeder is disabled, so I can't post it on my sight, but go to youtube.com and search the words "playtexfits" then find the video marked "nightclub...church?" and watch the video. I'm not sure if it's an actual commercial, or if it's just an ad on youtube. Anyhow, it's cute....if you look at it in a lighthearted sort of way.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Growth In Friends, That Feels Like Loss....

Over the past five years, I've experienced loss at many different levels. Loss of my husband. This is the kind of loss that penetrates deep, makes one wish for a "do-over", and doesn't heal quickly....if ever. Loss of my step-daughters, which is like a loss of time, because they are growing up so quick and I'm missing every second of it. I've had the loss of loved friends who've gone to heaven, and loss of a beloved pet, who was my furry companion for 13 years. I've felt pain and sorrow in other people's loss, such as my best friend and the day her amazing grandfather passed away, or a few weeks ago, when my sister-in-law's father passed on. I've had a loss of job in which I also have a loss of children whom I love dearly. I've felt the loss of time, as I keep turning one year older with no children to call my own. Some of these losses make me grow stronger, some test my faith continually, some make me fall on my knees daily, and some, like the loss of my cat, have healed over time.

Tonight I faced not a loss, but the growth in my friend's lives, that feels like a loss, as I sat in church and watched a video of my friend and her family, all the way from Costa Rica. I sat in the back pew of our church, and wept, very much out loud, like a baby as the screen went from one picture to the next. Then come the end and all at once I was thrown over the edge as a video started to play, and there they were talking straight to our church family.

I can't say that them being in Costa Rica is a loss, because true friends you never loose. You may grow and not always in the same direction, but you're never lost, and as they continue to learn the language and prepare for the mission field, I continue to support and if I have to, defend, them with everything in me.

I have a very small circle of women that I call true friends, who have the same ideals and morals. My very small handful of "true blue" and I serve the same risen Savior, and so I know that when we get to the end of our stories, we will be reminded that all is not lost, and we'll live side by side in eternity. And so while it may not be a loss, sometimes it feels quite the same. I loved the video, and cherish the chance to see how they are growing in the Lord, but for now, I miss my friends and it was so so very good to see their smiling faces, if only on a screen.

Happy Mother's Day

To my Mom, my best friend Lisa and to all the other women in my life that give so much meaning to my life, Happy Mother's Day! Someday, I hope and pray...and hope and pray, I'll join you in the celebration of being a mother. As for now, I'll just say enjoy your children on the good days and the bad, count the blessings, the giggles and hugs, the kisses and smiles, the tears that you are privilaged to comfort, the boo boos you are counted on to heal and count it a joy to be a mom.
Love,
DeeDee

Saturday, May 10, 2008

End Of The Week....Not So Bad

I have to say, first of all, that this week was not nearly as bad as the last four. It started out so slow, then by Wednesday it started to get a little busier, but not too bad at all. I was actually able to make it to church that night, for a change. By Friday we were just normal busy, and not overwhelming busy. I actually enjoyed my job this week, and it felt good....it felt great not to dread going to work each morning. Thank You Lord.

Now if He will just help me get though the month of May with a dreaded birthday, Mother's day, and an anniversary.....

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Feeling More Focused....

The last two days at work have been just what I needed. It's been busy enough to keep me working, but slow enough to keep me sane. The Lord knew just what I needed. I don't know how He stopped all those scrappers from invading the yard, but He has, and it's given me time to focus on my behavior and what it portrays to others. I've been able to catch myself before acting out at what I feel is stupidity...and yes I know that's a harsh word...that's why I'm needing to work on myself. So I sit here at 9:20 and think of the things that I've been able to do tonight, such as have dinner with my family, and watch my nephews play with Sissy the dog. These are things that I've not been able to do for the past four weeks. And my hope and prayer is, that I can have one more day of peace, and one more day of leaving early, so I can make it to church tomorrow night.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Was Somebody Praying For Me Today??....

I have to wonder, after today's workday, if someone took some over their own precious time to pray for me today.

I woke up this morning, full of dread, as I thought about heading off to work. The past four weeks have really been hard. I felt, last Friday, like I had hit rock bottom and couldn't take one more single customer. I was feeling such hate for each and everyone of them, because I felt so overwhelmed by the masses. Of all the diversity training that I had to endure in other jobs, I just couldn't seem to make myself care that God created us all different, and that some may not be as smart as others, or that some might stink, or maybe that some people are just naturally mean and rude no matter what you try to do for them. All I could care about come Friday 8:00pm, is that they all stay out of my face. Nice attitude, huh?

Today was different. Once I arrived, the first thing I realized was the lack of customers. Usually, they are lined up in full force, an hour before we even open (which is a huuuuge pet peeve of mine). Today there were only three cars waiting on us to open up early just for them, so they could unload an hour before they were even supposed to be there!!!........okay, so I said it was a huge pet peeve....we'll move on. There was no huge crowd waiting on us today.

The rest of the day was more of the same. The crowds were small, and scattered just right. We still managed to purchase enough scrap to make our employer happy, and yet it was an easy day for all three of us. We had a peaceful lunch, with laughter and good conversation. After that, the line was still manageable, rather than out of control like it's been for the past four weeks. The weather even had a calming effect to it. All day long, I waited for the wrecking ball to hit my peace and quiet, but all day long, it remained calm and beautiful.

I sit here and think of it, and want to cry. I've been getting home after 7:00 and 8:00 each night, yet here I sit at the computer and it's only 6:06pm. I've enjoyed the last hour watching the dogs play outside, and talking to my mom on the phone, and I've not had to worry about only having an hour of daylight left...I have the whole evening!

So I sit here and wonder, has someone prayed for me today? Was my peaceful day the result of someones dedicated prayer for me? Was my day the evidence of a Father that knows what His child needs, what was best for His child, even though she hadn't the strength or heart to ask for it? I feel like it was a good mixture of both.

As for tomorrow....
Matthew 6:34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

End Of An All Too Short Weekend...

Well, we've come to the end of a weekend that could have used a few more days in it. I'm not ready to go back to work yet. I say, I'm NOT ready to go back to work yet! But, I will...and I'll try to be happy about it...and thankful. And hopefully by the end of the week...I won't look like this